


Breaking Point

by Blahhh, Feli_X



Series: Liaisons [13]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: (Smut tags are for current day), Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Anger, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Choking, Communication, Confrontations, Crying, Dom/sub, Dry Humping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Hope, Hurt, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Multiple, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recreational Drug Use, Reminiscing, Secrets, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:56:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22586725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blahhh/pseuds/Blahhh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feli_X/pseuds/Feli_X
Summary: Gavin and Nines try to unwind after a hard day at work when Gavin gets an unexpected text that makes him reach his breaking point.
Relationships: Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Series: Liaisons [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1117896
Comments: 80
Kudos: 246





	1. Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** **_TRIGGER WARNING._** ***  
> All chapters will include memories of and talking about past childhood abuse and trauma, especially in chapters 2 and 3. Please read the tags carefully. Stay safe. 

_He's finally fucking free._ Gavin sighs quietly, watching the world whip past as Nines drives them home and continues rummaging in his pocket for a pack of smokes. He's sure he has some left.

Nines has his choice of music on again, thankfully turned down to a quiet thrash of guitar and drums. It's mellower than usual and Gavin watches Nines' finger tap absentmindedly on the steering wheel, head nodding along with the music until something on the road takes his focus again. 

Gavin pulls a cigarette out from his pocket, sparking the end and presses the window down with his free hand as he tucks his lighter back away. He takes a long drag before slowly exhaling and lets himself sink back into his seat, looking forward to the comfort of their home.

He's spent the day sifting through gruesome crime scene photos - some guy that got way too friendly with someone's baseball bat, wrapped with razor wire by the looks of it - and getting hounded by Debbie through his fucking phone. His lunch break was spent glancing between his sister's nagging and photos of Carter's few remaining teeth in his shattered jaw. _Yeah, sure, he loves feeling half nauseous and half furious when he's trying to eat._

He thought he'd made his point that night in the bar. He wasn't interested in reconciling with his dad... But nope, Debbie's decided the best thing for them to do is talk things out. _Not happening. Not in a million years._

She still thinks it's just because his dad used to drink too much and give him a rough time. He wasn't violent or anything... Just the occasional smack when he did something _real_ fucking stupid. He'd just make sure to throw into conversation how it was his fault mom left. That she wasn't ready for another kid and if Gavin hadn't come along, she'd still be there... So dad drank.

He was a lazy kind of drunk, just collapsed into the recliner and watched tv. Came in handy when Debbie wanted to sneak out or when Gavin went to raid the kitchen. Slept like a fucking log when he was boozed up.

In the end, Gavin's glad his mom ditched. He drove out to meet her once when he was trying to get his shit together, looking for support. He got his heart stomped on and relapsed. He still has a clear memory of Debbie sobbing down the phone at him because she fucking _knew_ what he'd done, and then, he was back to square one. Zero-days clean.

Natalie's so much better... She's his real mom. She may not have been there from day one and she may not be blood, but she has a home in his heart that no one can ever replace. It was only because of her that his dad got himself cleaned up in the first place. She's the sweetest person ever with buckets of fucking patience...

Gavin chuckles, flicking the ash off of his cigarette. _She'd have to be with his screwed up excuse of a family._ He would've loved to have spent Thanksgiving with his Mom and sister... Unfortunately, they come in a package deal including his dad. _So no Thanksgiving for him._

Debbie kept asking, practically fucking begging him, but it didn't matter... He loves his big sis to the ends of the world and back, but that's one river he's not able to cross, not even for her. She gave up eventually and Gavin dragged himself through the rest of his day, checking through evidence and making a couple stops by any building close to their scene for any potential eye-witnesses.

Gavin yawns, stretching his legs out and takes one last, hard drag on his cigarette before dropping it out the window. _But now he gets to go home. No bullshit for the weekend. He can finally unwind._

Nines pulls up outside their house and Gavin wastes no time getting inside, shoulders hunched up against the rain before shedding his hoodie at the door. He kicks his shoes off and stretches out his back, glancing behind him at Nines organizing their shoes next to the wall, shrugging out of his own jacket. 

Gavin rounds the corner, eyes set on the fridge and flops his body, arms spread across it in gratitude. _He can finally eat without having to stare at photos of dead bodies and worse._ Gavin lets out one mock sob, arms still stretched out with his cheek pressed against the cold door. "Oh, Baby, I fucking missed you."

He peeks up at Nines leaning on the doorframe with a crooked eyebrow, arms folded and Gavin just grins back. "What? You wanna watch?" 

He hikes his leg up against the fridge and turns enough to lick a stripe up the door, dragging out a groan while holding eye contact with his partner. Nines shakes his head and steps into the room with a sigh. "Please don't assault our refrigerator."

Gavin snickers, slowly running his hands up the metal as he grinds his crotch up into the door. "Hey, it's all consensual. Wanna watch me slip my dick in her sweet little ice box?"

Nines raises an eyebrow. "Oh... So she's a she?"

Gavin continues the sloppy, open-mouthed kisses to their fridge, ignoring the metallic taste on his tongue. He can't smother a startled squeak as Nines rushes him without warning, spinning Gavin on the spot and he's lifted up against the door in seconds. He laughs, squirming in his partner's hold with Nines' face is level with his chest, blue eyes looking up at him. "Why are you struggling, Love? I thought you were eager for a threesome? I thought your mistress could aid in supporting you."

Gavin laughs dirtily and lets his wrists cross behind Nines' neck, leaning down to share a kiss with way too much fucking teeth. Nines bites down on his lower lip and Gavin winces with a groan, legs squeezed tight around his partner's waist.

He waits until Nines is done drawing blood from his lip before leaning back, licking away the tinny blood with a smirk. He usually hates pricks trying to pick him up... But just like everything else, Nines is a special case and it makes his dick so goddamn hard to see how much power he has stored away. It's no effort to be lifting him up like this.

A rumble of approval grows in Gavin's chest as he brushes his hands over Nines' broad shoulders. "You're so fucking strong..."

"Am I?" Nines soaks up the praise, mouth ticked in a smirk before jerking his arms up, pushing Gavin higher until he's leaning his elbows back on top of the fridge. Gavin can feel his heart thumping hard in his chest as Nines trails kisses down his clothed stomach, arms still supporting his weight. Gavin frowns at the boxes poking him in the back but it's worth it... _He'll just have to remember to move that shit by the next time._

Gavin rolls his hips up with a hiss, dick starting to ache as Nines mouths over the fabric. Gavin would be fumbling for his buttons if he wasn't stuck balancing his upper half on the fridge. _Fuck..._ He licks his lips impatiently, cheeks heating up as Nines' nose tucks under the hem of his shirt, pressing a wet kiss to the bare skin above his dick. "Ah... Fuck, Nines..."

Gavin reaches back, trying to find a comfortable position for his arm, and his heart nearly lurches into his throat as his elbow slides on a discarded leaflet. He lets out an ugly noise as his body falls back and before he's even had a chance to flail out in panic, Nines has him halfway to the ground again, hugged against his chest. 

A nervous giggle bubbles up Gavin's throat, hands shaking as he lays a death grip on the android's shirt. "H-holy fucking shit... Oh shit. I almost fucking died."

"No, you did not."

Gavin ignores his partner and can't stop the adrenaline-fueled giggles as he pats Nines' shoulders, squirming for solid ground "Okay. Put me down. Holy fuck... Jesus. I almost fucking _died_ ."

Nines quietly laughs along with him, an apologetic look on his face as he presses kisses to Gavin's cheek. "You did not nearly die. I would not have allowed that. However, your heart rate is a little high so perhaps we should postpone sex for the time being."

Gavin's still too giddy to be disappointed but laughs into his partner's chest. "Yeah... Fuck. Haha, I've still got a boner though."

"Why am I not surprised?" 

Nines scoffs around a laugh and Gavin wriggles his way free from his partner before opening the fridge with a still tremoring hand. He feels the android's hand rest on his hip as Gavin pulls out a plate of left overs from last night and sighs, heart still hammering. 

"Fuck me..." 

"Not yet." Nines quickly chimes in, following Gavin to the microwave.

He chucks his plate inside and laughs at his partner. "Fuck you." 

Nines smirks, arms folded behind him as he shakes his head. "Not that either."

Gavin mock laughs at his partner before giving him a jab in the ribs with his elbow. "Clumsy motherfucker, nearly dropped my ass on the ground."

Nines raises his eyebrows in disbelief. "I did not drop you. _You slipped_ , and _I_ caught you. You're welcome."

Gavin's heart starts to slow down and he doesn't hide a pout as he flops in against Nines' side, contentment settling in when his partner's arm drapes over his shoulder. He feels a kiss pressed to his hair and Gavin squints up at the android. "You're still a dipshit. No picking me up for at least a fucking week while my heart recovers."

"So dramatic..." Nines tsks softly and presses a kiss to his lips before squeezing Gavin into a bear hug. "Perhaps I don't want to wait a week."

He tries to wiggle free but Nines keeps his arms clamped in place and lifts him enough to leave Gavin balancing on the tips of his toes. Gavin laughs in annoyance, struggling in his grip and glares up at his partner. "Let me the fuck go or I'll bite you!"

Nines snorts a laugh and squeezes a little tighter. _Gavin's almost ashamed at the way it kicks his kinks into gear. He wants to trash and snarl and feel that constriction around his lungs._ He lets himself playfully growl at his partner and halfheartedly kicks out at one of his legs, snapping his teeth at the android.

Nines leans closer, a deep rumble in his chest in return and lays a sharp nip down on Gavin's jaw, pain flaring out. He's leaning away and Gavin sees his chance, jerking forward to bite down on Nines' lip... _Maybe a little harder than he meant to._

Nines hisses and lets go, sucking on his lip before scolding. "You little fucker..." 

He presses a finger to his lip, looking down at the dot of blue on his fingertip and gavin's torn between buttering up an apology to his partner and acting proud... As usual, the inner asshole wins and Gavin smirks, puffing his chest out. "How do _you_ like it?"

Nines shakes his head with a sour smile, glaring holes in Gavin. "I don't... Lucky for you, you chose my lip. Anywhere else and you likely would've chipped your tooth."

Gavin folds his arms, smug as all fuck at winning their little tease. "Not lucky, I know your soft spot thingies. Lips, ears... Your dick... Hey, think I could bite your butt?"

The nick on his partner's lip is all but gone when he next speaks and he opens the microwave a second before it beeps. "Maybe... But there's a vast difference between _could_ and _should_ ."

Gavin shrugs, watching Nines transfer the chicken and rice into another bowl as he checks the fridge for a drink, grabbing a can off of the shelf. Gavin moves through to the bedroom, eager to get out of his work clothes and leaves his food on the living room table. He pops the button to his jeans and a thought comes back to him. "Oh yeah, talking of butts. I was thinking..."

"Hmmm?" Nines works down the buttons of his shirt and Gavin treats himself to a little stare. _He's seen it all a thousand times by now... But his partner's perfect body is still something he marvels at._

"Know when I punched you in the ass, yeah?"

Nines pauses halfway through pulling his belt free of the loops and sighs. " _On_ ... Yes."

Gavin rolls his eyes, stripping out of the last of his clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor as he searches through something comfier to wear. "Shut up... Anyways, I been thinking about that and I had an idea. You're not into whippy type stuff, right?"

Nines nods, sliding his jeans down and briefs with them. "Mhmm. Correct."

Gavin abandons his search and gives Nines his full - and well fucking deserved - attention. _Fuck, he's gorgeous... Godlike._ "I didn't think about it before 'cause usually it's not enough bite for me... But maybe a paddle? Something wood? Maybe a rope loop flogger? Something thuddy."

"Oh.." Nines' eyebrows pop up, humming in thought and Gavin grins at the interested look on his android's face. He watches as Nines brushes a hand past his own hip, fingers trailing down over his ass before resting at his side. Gavin gets a strong, tugging urge in his chest to go and grab Nines' ass, and it takes him longer than it should for him to realize he can. 

He saunters up to his partner, body pressed against his before reaching down to cup his cheek. Nines smiles down at him and Gavin lazily grinds his bare crotch into his hip, hand kneading at his ass. "You like the sound of that? Something nice and heavy to paddle that fine ass with..."

Nines laughs softly, cheeks tinted and bends his leg up between Gavin's thighs with a lazy smile. "That sounds like a wonderful idea, Love. I'm certainly interested to try."

"Yeah? Can't fucking wait." Gavin grins, glowing under Nines' approval and continues groping at Nines' cheeks, letting his finger slip up the middle and over his tightly puckered hole. _Such a fucking tease... There's no way he'll be fucking that today. Nines is too fiery for it._ Gavin cranes his neck to share a kiss with his partner and lets his mind zone out again, tongue meeting Nines' as he keeps up the leisurely humping against his thigh. 

He groans quietly and Nines chuckles into the kiss. It burns his cheeks to know Nines is laughing at his needy humping... _Living up to his title of Bitch._ It always gives him a fuzzy, warm rush, being able to this... Free to grab at Nines' perfect ass without asking for permission. No barriers and Gavin's sure if he wanted, his partner would spread his legs to be fingered like this. 

There just wasn't moments like this before. The making out, cuddling and groping with his dominant... He paired himself up with too many assholes. If he tried this shit with them, he'd be immediately scolded and struck for stepping out of line. His first true dominant was terrible at that. Told him a good submissive doesn't talk back, doesn't act out. A submissive should be quiet and do everything they're told. That he could teach Gavin how to be a perfect sub... _And Gavin, being the stupid newb he was back then, believed him._

He knows better now, knows you can't teach someone to be an impossibly perfect sub or dom, but Shane was everything Gavin had been looking for at the time. He wasn't interested in affection, he just wanted a submissive to fuck up and Gavin thought he'd lucked out on the first spin. _Wrong,_ just some dominant that thought he was the shit and had a bad reputation that Gavin had no idea about since he was new on the scene. He was a selfish son of a bitch, manipulative, and Gavin still gets mad at himself it took Shane doing that goddamn Livestream for him to call it quits. 

After Shane, he swore off even attempting a relationship again and stuck with hookups, fuck buddies and play parties. He had good friends he could cuddle with but Gavin's not ignorant to the fact they were almost exclusively women. _He's lost count of how many times he's spooned Tina to sleep after binging movies and pizza._ Nines is the first guy in a long fucking while he can just melt into and feel confident with. Not just him being a stubborn brat and talking a big game, but being able to tease back. Gavin's not afraid of playfully helping himself to a handful and that defensive alarm doesn't sound in the back of his mind when he relaxes into a hug. 

It still makes Gavin's head spin to know Nines would let him flog him, fuck him, tie him down. That's such an alien fucking territory for him... But even in those moments, Gavin can feel that submissive twist in his gut that makes him long to hear for praises. He managed to get in the right headspace on his birthday though. Instead of feeling all gooey inside, a fire was raging in his chest. He wanted to hear Nines gasp and moan, not because he knew he was doing a good job as Nines' pet, but because he wanted to see Nines undone by his own hand and begging for more. Begging for something only he could provide...

...But that's still a strange headspace for him and Gavin's in his usual spot of being a desperate bitch, cock slick against his partner's leg and longing for Nines to humiliate him. The android's hands are cupping his ass, pulling Gavin forward to hump harder into his leg. _He's always loved humping. First way he got off... And thus came his fucking title of Bitch. He loves being Nines' bitch... Owned by such a perfect fucking man._

Nines cups a hand under Gavin's chin, tilting his face up and murmurs softly. "You're so quiet... What are you thinking about, my Love?"

Gavin twists his head round to jerk it out of Nines' grip and presses his face against the android's chest instead, hips still working on the spot. "Nothing..."

Nines chuckles warmly and runs a hand through the back of Gavin's hair, sending pleasant chills up his spine. Gavin grumbles a moan and grips Nines tighter, trying to work himself closer until he's suddenly left humping the air. He frowns up at Nines, panting softly and stifles the whine building in his throat. "Why'd y-"

His partner smirks, leg pulled back from Gavin's attack. "I asked you a question. Answer it and you can continue humping yourself to orgasm on my leg... Or you can be stubborn and enjoy your weekend in chastity."

Gavin groans in annoyance, glaring at the android, then at their toy chest, before sighing with his cheeks warm. "I was thinking..." 

_Lie. Say something dirty._

_Lie. Say something stupid._

He sighs again, rolling his eyes dramatically as he pokes a finger in Nines' chest. _Fine, he'll tell the truth._ "I was thinking, gee, I'm lucky to have this dipshit tincan as my boyfriend... Okaaay?"

Gavin pouts up at his partner, eyebrows pulled together in annoyance and he makes noises of complaint as Nines dips his head down to lay a couple of hickies on his neck. "Mmmm, I love you too, Gavin."

Nines' leg moves back into place and Gavin wastes no time in rubbing his dick against the muscular, soft skin there but still complains at the kisses being littered across his throat. "Fuck off..."

He hears a quiet, irritated snort from Nines and whatever Gavin was expecting... It wasn't being spun on the spot and to be thrown down onto their bed. Blood rushes up to his cheeks at the violent movement, still bouncing on the mattress as Nines yanks down on his legs, slotting his own back between them. Gavin's heart doubles in time again, eyes wide and ready for whatever Nines is going to give to him, any retort falling dead on his tongue. 

Nines leers over him, hip pushed firm into his crotch and supporting his weight with one hand while the other travels up Gavin's stomach. "Fine, let's stick to the tried and tested then shall we, Love?"

His hand snakes up to Gavin's throat and the first bit of pressure already has Gavin's legs feeling weak. _Good thing he's not standing anymore..._ Nines squeezes tight until Gavin can only rasp a slither of air down into his lungs, body squirming on the covers as Nines stares down at him, eyes cold. He leans forward and whispers with a grin. "Clock's ticking, my Lovely... Come."

In his daze it takes Gavin a second to understand, but the last word rings out as an order and he grinds himself up into Nines' hip. His eyes roll back as Nines' finger and thumb press down either side of his throat, cutting off his carotids and the world starts to fade in his ears. Gavin chokes down a whimper, unable to let out enough air to make a sound and holds onto the solid faux muscle of Nines' arm. 

The pressure releases from either side of his neck after several long seconds and Gavin's hearing comes rushes back, heartbeat disappearing from his eardrums. Nines squeezes down and Gavin can feel himself drawing close, still humping into his partner's slickened thigh. _Getting blood choked like this... Fuck, he's glad he told the truth._

He wants to whimper and moan, but his head's getting dizzy and all he can get is a tiny gulp of air past Nines' palm. Nines keeps staring him down, LED cycling yellow and smirking in that way Gavin loves. _Like he's lower than dirt._

"Are you going to come for me?"

Gavin gulps soundlessly at the air, nails digging into the android's arm and tries to nod best he can as his thighs clamp down either side of Nines'. He keeps grinding up in place, face hot and mind fucking long gone now he's got Nines' vice grip on his neck. He feels the pressure return to his head, world fading out and replaced by the heavy glug of his own heartbeat. _Close..._

"Then come for me, Gavin."

 _His chest is starting to burn..._ He can feel the spasms in his chest, trying to force him to breathe and everything's on the edge until Nines' grip relaxes and everything surges up to his head. He curls in on himself, groaning at the chemicals flooding into his brain now his blood's flowing there again, then slumps back into the mattress, shivering. "Fu- ck... Fuck... Ni- Nines..."

His partner smirks, clearly pleased with himself and Gavin sighs, not fighting it as Nines bends down to kiss him. It's tender and Gavin lets himself get truly lost for a precious minute. _No thoughts. Just pure bliss and the feel of Nines' tongue in his mouth. Possessive._

Nines lays across him, weight pinning him down and Gavin's comforted by it, arms wrapping around his partner. He feels all floaty. Even weighed down beneath Nines' bulk. Gavin groans into their kiss, waiting until Nines is done for him to speak. He glances down between them and raises an eyebrow to his partner, voice still distant. "Want me to take care of that?"

Nines shakes his head with a smile and trails his nose down Gavin's jaw to press kisses onto his neck. "I'm quite alright, my Love."

Gavin pouts a little, running his hands along Nines' waist and back. _He wants to serve him... Wants to please him._ "Why not..? I'll do anything you want."

Nines chuckles and gracefully moves back to look him in the eye. "I appreciate the offer but as insatiable as you are, Gavin, _I_ am actually capable of restraint."

Gavin rolls his eyes with a sigh, fighting back a smirk at the android's cocky attitude before Nines adds. "But, perhaps later we can have a little fun together... You'll be a good boy for me and do what I ask, won't you?"

Gavin surrenders with a soft hum, sliding a hand up his own chest as he watches Nines stand up and move toward the bathroom. _He's too happy and warm to be a dick right now._ "Mhmmm..."

"Good boy." Nines smiles, pausing at the doorway and Gavin's attention flicks down to the smear of cum across his thigh for a moment, looking back up as Nines speaks "Oh, and Gavin, I need to update my software shortly. I hope you don't mind if I'm unresponsive for a couple of hours?"

Gavin shakes his head, still laying down. "Nah, that's cool."

"You can always wake me if you need me." Nines shoots him one more friendly smile before disappearing inside and Gavin exhales up at the ceiling. _So his boyfriend's gonna update himself... That's not... Weird._ He rubs his hands over his face before sitting up, forcing himself to surface from the warmth of his afterglow. 

It takes Gavin realizing he's thirsty before he slaps a hand into his forehead. _His fucking food._ He forces himself up with a grumble before glaring daggers at the bowl. "Damnit..."

He had been planning on joining Nines in the shower but instead, flops himself down on the couch with a sigh. He might as well eat it while it's still a little warm. No way Nines will let him reheat it again. He starts working on the contents of his bowl and plans on having a nap while Nines runs his update... Thingy.

Gavin rolls his eyes when Nines is out of the shower before he's finished eating and checks he didn't reheat his food again, lecturing him on bacteria. Gavin zones out for the most of it, more interested in the flashes of pale skin between his partner's white shirt and black sweats. _He's so tall..._

After Nines has finished his bitching, Gavin freshens up in the bathroom and changes into a comfy pair of thick sweats before checking on Nines sitting upright on their couch, temple pulsing yellow. He considers grabbing a blanket for him, before dismissing the thought. _If Nines were cold, he would've got one himself before powering down and shit._

Gavin's thoughts go back to that nap and he crawls into bed with his phone, thumbs busy tapping through random games and newsfeeds before he's tired enough to pass out. _Thankfully, for once, it's easy._

===

_Baseball... A bat wrapped in razor wire... Each pat of wood into their shredded palm makes him flinch... A faceless batter, uniform caked in drying blood... Coworkers in the stands, taking notes on their tablets... A cowering victim on the second base, shivering... A baseball in Gavin's hand, teeth poking out of the stitching... He looks up, down... He's holding his phone, blue LED whirring around the camera._

_Ding._

Gavin scowls into his pillow, curling in on himself as he's torn out of a dream. 

"Fuck..." He mumbles, more annoyed at his cases leeching into his dreams than the dreams themselves. _He's used to dreaming of weird shit by now... Comes with the territory when he investigates crime scenes for a living._ Gavin reluctantly lifts his face out of the pillow, trying to figure out what the fuck woke him up. "Huh..."

He stretches out his legs with a groan, flinching away from the main light still on above his head as he rolls onto his back. He squints his eyes at the ceiling before his brain registers the _ding_ that woke him and he reaches over for his phone, hoping he's not being called in on short notice to some nightmarish scene. 

_He's not._ He sees his sister's name on the screen and rubs his eyes before sitting up on the edge of his bed, opening Debbie's message. 

D: _Don't be mad at me Gavvy, I didn't have any other choice. I love you, ok? xx_

A wash of ice-cold dread floods through him and Gavin's awake. He's seen so many suicide notes on the job and the nausea creeping up his throat at Debbie's message has his anxiety busting through the roof. He has no fucking idea what's going on and his sister's never been the suicidal type. She never mentioned anything to him. Nothing bad lately... _Fuck, has he missed something while he's been wrapped up in his own fears? Has she been asking for him because she's in a bad place?? Shit. Shit. Shit._

G: U ok 

G: Was sleeping. Sorry. xx Debs u there 

Every second drags on, heart beating in his throat until a response finally pops onto his screen. 

D: _I'm ok. Promise. I just don't want you to be mad at me. Text me when you're ready xx_

Gavin's shoulders slump and he shakily exhales, thoughts slowly coming back into order even with his hair still standing on end. He runs a hand over his face, whimpering out. "Jesus... Fuck... Ugh."

The fear slowly shifts to mild annoyance at Debbie screwing over his brain like that and he sighs, trying to ignore the panicked churn in his stomach. He jabs his thumbs into the screen, starting to ask why his sister would scare the shit out of him like that, and what the fuck she means he should text her, but he's interrupted a few words in. 

Gavin frowns in confusion at the notification on his screen. A text from an unknown number. _Well, that shit's gotta have something to do with Debbie acting so sketchy._ He abandons the text to his sister and clicks on the notification, rolling his eyes at the amount of text. 

Unknown: _Hey Gavin. Debbie gave me your number. I asked her for it I didn't know how else to get in contact with you.-_

Gavin's heart picks up again, hard. 

_\- Me and Natalie haven't seen you in a long time.-_

Gavin chokes out a breath, slamming his phone screen down on the bed and stares at the floor, jaw set. He's so fucking angry. So goddamn fucking angry his sister would do this shit to him. Fucking stab him in the back and give his fucking dad his phone number... And he's scared. So scared his mind's running in all directions, throwing anxious thoughts and panicked scenarios at him. 

_Debbie gave dad his number. What if she gave him his address? What if he comes here? He can't face him. What if he sees Nines? What if Debbie finds out about Nines? What if dad's on his way here now? What if he calls? What if Gavin hears his voice after all these fucking years? Why's this happening? He doesn't want this. He doesn't need this. Doesn't deserve this. He deserves peace after everything his dad did. Everything that was his fault. His fault. It was his friend. He should've stopped it._

Gavin grabs at his hair, scalp burning and tries to breathe angrily through his teeth. He'd be yelling and cussing if some small, still sane part of Gavin's brain wasn't reminding him that Nines is still asleep in the next room over. 

His skin's tingling, heart pounding in his ears and anger pumping through his veins as he tries to calm himself down. _It's not fucking easy._ He curses Debbie out under his breath, nose wrinkled in disgust and tries to ignore the light-headed nausea washing over him as he goes through the fears. 

_Even if Debbie gave him his number, she wouldn't give him his address... Debbie's just doing what she thinks is best... She doesn't know. It's not her fault... His door is locked, if his dad did come here, he'd just ignore him... If Nines lets him in, Gavin will get in the car and leave... If his dad calls, he just won't answer... He just needs to read the text as fast as he can and answer what makes sense. Short. Simple... And try not to cuss that fucking piece of shit prick out when he does... Okay._

Gavin takes a deep breath, face hot and tries to numb himself to read the message. _It's not him, just someone else. Read it. Answer. Over. He owes his father nothing more than that... He's already given enough._

His hands are still shaking and Gavin spends a minute breathing slow, counting patterns in his head before opening his eyes. "Okay... It's okay."

He reassures himself and even though he fails in numbing himself, he picks the phone back up with anger bristling under his skin. _Read quick and answer correctly. Clearly. No misunderstandings._

Unknown: _Hey Gavin. Debbie gave me your number. I asked her for it I didn't know how else to get in contact with you. Me and Natalie haven't seen you in a long time we miss you. I asked Debbie to invite you to Thanksgiving this year and she said you didn't want to come so I wanted to ask you myself. I seen you maybe twice in ten years maybe longer and I'm getting older I miss my son. Natalie wants us to spend Thanksgiving together as a family. You know it would mean the world to her to fix this. I know I wasn't the best father but I tried my best and I don't know what I did to deserve you hating me like this but we can talk things out. Come have dinner and we can sort this out._

Gavin scowls throughout the entire message but everything else disappears under a single section of his father's writing. 

_I don't know what I did to deserve you hating me like this but we can talk things out._

Gavin scoffs out a harsh laugh of disbelief, hand shaking and the text on the screen becomes a blur, even as the words still remain burned into his mind. He feels so fucking stupid. So fucking hurt. _Was he seriously that fucking stupid? After all this time, Gavin truly believed his dad had realized what he'd done... That he hadn't reached out for the fucking shame of realizing he gave his son gift-wrapped to a fucking predator._

Tears sting at Gavin's eyes and he laughs weakly, blood starting to boil as he mutters under his breath. "You don't fucking know...?"

He presses the phone against his head, standing up and sobbing around laughter as his world somehow manages to come crushing further down on him than before. He really thought his dad had remembered... Remembered Gavin choking on the words that took _everything_ to force out of the broken husk _he_ left behind... But no, he's alone. Just like he's always been. Fucking abandoned and left to fend for himself.

"You don't fucking know.." 

Gavin can't stop the manic laughter rising in his chest, heart glugging and pure rage starting to burn him from the inside out. _He tried to fucking talk... He tried, and he was shut up. Called a fucking liar._

His dad should've protected him. Should've fucking killed _him_ for what _he_ did, before things got worse... Not continue to invite that disgusting, evil piece of shit to their house again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Crawling into his fucking bed. Smothering his fucking soul and leaving nothing but a broken, scared, paranoid fucking shell of who he used to be.

...And _now_ his dad wants to talk? Over two goddamn fucking decades too late. A year of torture and fear, sleepless nights and days spent numb, drifting through his existence. A childhood of hurt, never able to look at any adult the same way again, terrified of a hand on his shoulder and feeling dirty. An adolescence of drugs and depression trying to cope with his fractured mind. A fucking lifetime of insomnia, forever haunted by the trauma that he'll never be free of until he's dead and buried.

Something finally snaps, pure fucking hurt and hatred boiling over and everything greys out. He can't hear anything except his own frantic heartbeat and he can't take it anymore. 

" _YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW?!_ "

He yells at the top of his lungs, throat burning and he couldn't give a single shit as he kicks the bedside table, drawers thudding against wood. He swipes his arm across the surface, lamp smashing on the floor and kicks the drawers again, and again. 

It feels like there's nowhere for all the hurt to go and he snatches his phone from the floor, throwing it with everything he has across the room. He doesn't care where it lands, or if it's broken, and it only flares up the neon words etched into his brain. 

Gavin's searching for his next target when a hand squeezes his upper arm... There are words accompanying it but none of them sink in as Gavin snaps loudly. "GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"

More garbage words and Gavin angrily pulls away before throwing his fists at the wall. Maybe he'd feel something if adrenaline wasn't pumping through his veins but he doesn't, so he keeps punching. It sends a shockwave through his bones and he punches harder, still shouting in anger with his eyelashes wet.

Something clamps down around his wrist, pulling him around and in his already panicked state, it sends old, buried fears rushing to the surface. His heart clenches, almost everything in his mind whites out and he _screams_... Screams so hard his throat feels like it's on fire. "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! LET GO!"

He immediately puts everything into getting out of the grip on his wrist, throwing himself forward until his shoulders burn. " _GET THE FUCK OFF! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!_ " 

He struggles against the grip for what seems like forever and every second is plagued with ever-increasing flashes of Dale holding his hand, making Gavin touch him. His voice echos through Gavin's mind, fat fingers and clammy palm over his skin. He keeps screaming, knowing he can only fight for so long until something inside him curls up and dies, giving up like an animal caught in a snare. He frantically struggles until the grip disappears and Gavin falls forward onto his hands and knees, quickly getting back up to look at the fucker who grabbed him. 

Gavin's breathing is ragged and he stares at him, clearer thoughts slowly returning and he recognizes Nines, starts hearing his words. 

"-lease, stop. What happened? Gavin, please, talk to me."

Gavin's world starts to leech back in but he's still fucking angry, fists balled by his sides, tears falling again as he screeches "IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"

Nines' temple is blood red, hands reaching out toward Gavin before the android flinches and lets them drop. Nines shakes his head, eyebrows knitted in concern as he takes a cautious step forward. "Please, Gavin. You _need_ to talk to me... It can't continue like this. I'm worried about you, love... Please, I'm begging you, talk to me."

Gavin curls his lip up in disgust, body still trembling as he spits. "I don't need to tell you shit!"

Nines opens his mouth, no words coming out before a look of determination crosses his face, followed by an exhausted and hurt sigh. "Yes, you do... Gavin, I've done everything you asked. You talk in your sleep and have frequent nightmares, yet you requested I sleep deeper. I reluctantly agreed. You suffer from anxiety and requested I refrain from scanning you outside of our scenes. I, for the most part, again, agreed. So often you wake up and I can hear you crying, sometimes even vomiting and if I even attempt to comfort you, you withdraw from me... I have tried so hard to respect your boundaries. I didn't want to cause you further stress... But I can't keep ignoring this, Gavin. Something is wrong and I _need_ you to tell me so I can help you, please. I can't bear to see you like this."

He hates this... All of his pain laid out. Nines saw it all... Gavin thought he'd kept it hidden from his partner, found enough excuses for it to slip into the background. It stabs at his heart but Gavin still snaps. "Why the fuck do you care?"

Nines holds his hands out for a second and says with so much fucking warmth and sincerity, it wounds him. "Because I _love_ you... So much... Please, talk to me."

Gavin feels something inside him waver... _And he hates it._ He can feel himself teetering on the edge of rage and grief, but even with Nines right there, caring... Rage is so much easier than telling the truth. _He's gone too far to try and make up more lies... Especially now Nines has made it clear he saw everything._

Gavin's made up his mind and takes a single step towards Nines, already knowing exactly where to hurt him... _And that's exactly what he wants._ He screws up his nose, letting disgust drip into his tone as he snorts in disbelief at Nines. "You _love_ me?"

Nines blinks, confusion tugging at his brow. "Of course I do."

Gavin scoffs, cutting off that part of himself that's begging him not to do this. He walks up to Nines before jabbing a finger against his chest. "You're not capable of love, Nines, you're just a fucking _machine_... Nothing but metal, and wires, and plastic."

Nines' face falls, the android taking a half step back in shock and it's only confirmation that Gavin chose the right weak spot. "You think you can feel, but you don't fucking feel _shit_. You're a broken machine, infected with a virus that makes you _think_ you're actually a real fucking person."

Nines avoids his gaze, LED pulsing and breathing hard but Gavin doesn't stop. He presses his chest against Nines', drawing back the android's attention and Gavin looks him dead in the eye, sneering as he taps a finger against the side of Nines' head. "There's nothing but a bunch of ones and zeros rattling around that empty, plastic skull of yours and I don't need some _THING_ like you to love me... Get the fuck out."

Nines blinks down at him and he looks _crushed,_ eyes flicking across Gavin's, searching for some shred of doubt... So Gavin yells up at him again, shoving Nines' chest with everything he has. "I said the _fuck_ out of my house!"

"I..." Nines looks dazed, sentence trailing off before it even has a chance to start and Gavin's heart clutches. _He did it._

That part of him, screaming for pushing away the one good, pure, wonderful thing in his life gets louder and Gavin tries to drown it out. _Nines has Hank and Connor... He won't be alone. He'll have support and love from them... Hell, maybe even Tina. Nines'll find someone better than him... More balanced and not broken. Nines deserves better than him._

He watches Nines step back toward the front door, defeated. The second Nines goes to peer over his shoulder, Gavin shouts again, pointing his finger at the door. "GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I SAID _LEAVE!_ "

It hurts and Gavin can't even bear the thought of seeing Nines at the precinct after all this... It'll tear his heart to pieces every day. _But that's okay... He'll just move to another state, transfer to another station... He doesn't need anybody. He's better off alone... Just like it's always been. He lived before Nines, and he can live after him..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 Thank you so much for kudos and comments <3


	2. Downpour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin can't keep up the fight anymore and shares his private struggles with Nines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** **_TRIGGER WARNING._** ***  
> All chapters will include memories of and talking about past childhood abuse and trauma, especially in chapters 2 and 3. Please read the tags carefully. Stay safe. 

> 08:37:32 PM > update v5.31 initiated.  
\---  
> 10:02:00 PM > update v5.31 in progress. time left 1h23  
\---  
> 10:11:43 PM > abnormal sound levels detected in the vicinity.  
> 10:11:45 PM > decibel limit above average at *HOME*  
> 10:11:49 PM > cancel update v5.31? Y/N  
> Y  
> 10:11:51 PM > cancelling update v5.31...  
> 10:11:57 PM > update v5.31 cancelled. contact cyberlife technician? Y/N  
> N  
> 10:12:00 PM > waking protocol initiated...  
> 10:12:00 PM > all systems will be active in...  
> 3...  
> 2...  
> 1....

Nines blinks his eyes open as he exits stasis and his world swiftly filters back in. It takes him a little longer than usual to become fully lucid, systems sluggish as his software begins working again after the interrupted update, but everything snaps into focus as he registers Gavin yelling from inside their home. 

His chest immediately fills with dread and Nines jumps up, darting towards their bedroom, mind racing even in the few seconds it takes for him to reach the door. He can hear yelling. Distressed, heavy breathing. Something shattering, then a loud thud. Nines' mind races, thoughts flying through him at a dizzying rate, especially so soon after being pulled from stasis.

 _What if someone broke in? What if it's someone seeking revenge against Gavin for incarcerating them? Is his partner being attacked? How could Nines let them sneak past him? How long have they been inside? Please, don't let Gavin be harmed because he wasn't paying attention. Let Gavin be okay._

He's ready to use any force necessary as he rounds the doorway, body tensed and ready to fight... But Nines freezes when he finds no one but Gavin himself in a fit of pure rage, kicking the side of their bed with tears rolling down his cheeks. 

It's not the first time he's seen Gavin in a state of distress, but never to this degree. Nines takes a step back and winces, pulling his foot up as he notices the broken lamp on the floor, one slither now painted with thirium. _It doesn't matter... But the broken bulb does._

Nines struggles to get his thoughts in order, hand tremoring as he pulls the cord from the wall, removing the risk of electrocution and fire. The alerts and warnings disappear from his vision as he throws the cable aside, reaching out for Gavin instead. 

He squeezes Gavin's upper arm, hoping to distract him from whatever has him so enraged, and asks softly but with urgency. "Love, please. Calm down. What hap-" 

The second their skin makes contact, Gavin recoils, throwing his shoulder away as he screams. "GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" 

Nines blinks in shock, hand hovering midair as Gavin goes back to completely ignoring him, still crying angrily as he turns his attack on the wall. "YOU DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW?"

Nines tries to ask, heart thudding in his chest. "Know what? Gavin, what... Who-"

He throws another punch into the wall and Nines is taken aback by the force behind it... And the next. "YOU DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW? YOU DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER, YOU CUNT? YOU DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER? I DO! I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU! I FUCKING H- FUCK! FUCK!"

Nines knows if he allows Gavin to continue like this, he's going to fracture his knuckles or break his wrist. There's already a small spatter of red smeared into their wall from the skin splitting across Gavin's knuckles, and Nines decides to act. He knows Gavin recoils from physical contact when he's upset, but he can't allow his lover to harm himself. 

He focuses on the wrist being pulled back for the next punch, and Nines grabs it, pulling Gavin back with an overly hard tug. He's expecting Gavin to round onto him. To punch at him in defiance... But Nines' heart isn't at all prepared for the blood-curling shriek that leaves Gavin the moment he pulls back. "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! LET GO! GET THE FUCK OFF! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!"

Gavin gasps in quick, distressed breaths between his cries before launching himself away from Nines, heels digging into the carpet. He screeches again, voice breaking and pulls so hard Nines is afraid he's going to pop his shoulder from its joint. 

He releases his wrist, afraid of Gavin only causing a different kind of damage to himself and Nines is scared. He's lost. He's never seen Gavin reacting so badly. He doesn't know what to do. He's worried. Everything's a blur and all he wants to do is hold Gavin until he's calm. Which would clearly be of no use and only serve to aggravate the situation. _Nines tries to bury the paranoia this could somehow be his fault... Surely Gavin would direct his attack toward him if that were the case..._

He reaches down towards Gavin in apology for his fall, and the words tumble from his mouth. "Gavin... I'm sorry. Are you hurt? Please, stop. What happened? Gavin, please, talk to me."

Gavin's eyes finally meet his... Bright, vibrant green and swimming with tears before they bead down his blotched, red face. He swallows hard, breathing ragged before yelling up at him. "IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!"

A small part of him takes note that if it's not his business, then this episode is likely not his fault... _But then what is?_ He's been witness to the demons of poor mental health since they began living together, and Gavin's begged Nines to ignore them at every turn... But he can't anymore... He's deteriorating. _Whatever this is, it's getting worse._

Nines lets his arms fall but takes a small step towards Gavin, chest aching with concern as he asks gently. "Please, Gavin. You _need_ to talk to me... It can't continue like this. I'm worried about you, love... Please, I'm begging you, talk to me."

Gavin begins pushing himself up and snarls up at Nines with contempt. "I don't need to tell you shit!"

Nines opens his mouth to beg again... But the words fizzle out. He's always trying to be patient and considerate, trying not to push Gavin too far. He's such a strong man, Nines had made himself believe that Gavin would get better given time and space... So he didn't push. Nines was quiet, his heart breaking when he heard Gavin whimpering in their bathroom, vomiting at four in the morning before returning to their bed as if nothing happened. Nines would turn a reluctant blind eye to Gavin's anxiety on request, not wanting to contribute to any feelings of vulnerability or weakness he may have already been experiencing...

 _...But this is too much. Something is wrong and he has to know... He simply can't pretend anymore._

Nines furrows his brows, summoning up the courage to confront Gavin and roughly exhales, not wanting to voice things he knows are going to hurt his lover. 

"Yes, you do... Gavin, I've done everything you asked. You talk in your sleep and have frequent nightmares, yet you requested I sleep deeper. I reluctantly agreed. You suffer from anxiety and requested I refrain from scanning you outside of our scenes. I, for the most part, again, agreed. So often you wake up and I can hear you crying, sometimes even vomiting and if I even attempt to comfort you, you withdraw from me... I have tried so hard to respect your boundaries. I didn't want to cause you further stress... But I can't keep ignoring this, Gavin. Something is wrong and I need you to tell me so I can help you, please. I can't bear to see you like this."

He watches Gavin's expression slowly darken, lip quivering as he snaps. "Why the fuck do you care?"

Nines sighs, thirium pump squeezing tight and reaches a hand out towards his partner, hoping Gavin will take it and allow Nines to hold him through this so he can explain what's torturing him so deeply. "Because I _love_ you... So much... Please, talk to me."

He watches Gavin breathe heavily for a few seconds, eyes searching at the ground before he looks back up, scoffing. "You _love_ me?"

Nines blinks, confused and worried Gavin somehow believes he isn't deserving of being loved again. "Of course I do."

Gavin snorts, walking towards him before stabbing a finger against his chest and Nines looks down in confusion before Gavin sneers up at him. "You're not capable of love, Nines, you're just a fucking _machine_ ... Nothing but metal, and wires, and plastic."

Everything stops for a moment and Nines freezes. _It's not that Gavin doesn't feel he deserves Nines' love... It's that he thinks Nines is incapable of providing it?_ It cuts deeply, the shock alone catching Nines off guard and he steps back from the finger digging into his chest above his heart. 

Gavin's voice carries on, harsh and cutting. "You think you can feel, but you don't fucking feel _shit_. You're a broken machine, infected with a virus that makes you _think_ you're actually a real fucking person."

Nines' throat feels tight, chest overly full and hollow at the same time. _He's not a broken machine... He... He's not a person, perhaps, but... But he's not a-_ Logic is cruel to him, presenting the argument that Gavin's accusation could be true... _But that doesn't mean he's not... Him? Who is he? Is he a person? What makes a person?_

He looks away, avoiding eye contact before Gavin steps forward to follow him, chest shoving against his own and Nines looks back down at him. _He regrets saying anything... He hurts..._ But that doesn't stop Gavin from continuing his verbal attack, venom dripping from his words as he jabs his fingers against Nines' LED, making him flinch, and they make eye contact. 

"There's nothing but a bunch of ones and zeros rattling around that empty, plastic skull of yours and I don't need some _THING_ like you to love me... Get the fuck out."

Nines' thirium pump clutches in his chest and every bit of life drains from him at that word... _Thing._ It hurts so much more coming from Gavin. Hearing that voice he loves so much call him a _thing._ To say he's incapable of love... That he doesn't want it. Doesn't need it. 

Nines looks at him, searching for regret... Doubt... Insincerity. He searches hard, heart aching and hurting at the words before more are suddenly bellowed up at him, hands shoving against his chest. "I said get the _fuck_ out of my house!"

"I..." Nines doesn't know what to say but part of him is so desperate to prove his love. He wants Gavin to take it back. To tell him it's not true. To hold him and reassure him because his own mind is torturing him. _Maybe Gavin's right... Maybe he is just broken. He's believed it in the past... Gavin knows that._

The world feels distant as he turns around to leave, but Nines still pauses to look over his shoulder before he reaches the door, hoping to see another expression on Gavin's face... And he's met with Gavin pointing him towards the door, shouting. "GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I SAID _LEAVE!_ "

Nines turns back around, fingers resting on the handle before Gavin's words jog a memory, hidden away behind the uproar of Machine. Love. Anxiety. Lost. Scared. Fight. Help... _Leave._

Gavin in their bed, crying. _You should just leave me... I'll ruin everything... You'll realize the kinda person I am... You don't fucking know... I always drive people away and I'll push you away too, I won't even mean to. It'll just happen... I love you._ Gavin in his arms. Holding him, and being held... _I'll push you away too, I won't even mean to. It'll just happen._

Nines runs the memory in his head again, hand paused on the door handle as his mind starts to clear the murk of worry, insecurities and hurt. His eyebrows tug together as he stares at the door. _Gavin's always gotten angry when he's upset or afraid, and Nines has gotten into the habit of not confronting Gavin in fear of causing him more stress... But it clearly isn't helping. Silence enforces it. Kindness is rejected. Begging falls on deaf ears..._

 _Maybe it's time for a different approach. If Gavin truly does want him gone, how could it possibly make matters worse?_ He has to fight for what he cares about... Gavin. This home they've built together. All the memories inside of it. Maybe it won't make a difference, but he has to _try._ Even if it's just for a moment... Maybe that's the only way he's going to get through Gavin's armor. 

Nines steels himself, gripping the handle tightly as he summons up his courage again, then lets go of the metal, turning around to face Gavin. _It's not easy. Doubts still eat at him... But he has to. He has to try._

"No."

===

Gavin clenches his jaw, teeth grinding and he doesn't back down. _It hurts, but it's the only way to break everything off. To escape saying the words. To be in control._ He shouts at Nines again, walking towards him and throws a finger toward the door again. "THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? GET OUT OF _MY_ HOUSE! I SAID GET OUT!"

Nines steps away from the door and closer to Gavin, leaving space between them but instead of backing down, he snaps back. _"AND I SAID NO!"_

Gavin's fire falters, shocked at Nines' response and he tries to think of something to retaliate with before Nines continues, not quite shouting, but speaking loud enough to have Gavin wanting to back the fuck away. 

"I'm not leaving. I don't believe you _want_ me to leave... I remember, not so long ago, you told me you would push me away. That you wouldn't mean to, but it would just happen. _This_ is that moment, and I refuse to allow you to sabotage our relationship because you're afraid."

Gavin's shoulders droop, chest heaving and he looks up at Nines, the android's expression serious but his tone softens a little. Nines sighs in exasperation and holds his hands out. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you truly have no feelings for me anymore, and if that's the case I will respect that and I'll leave... But I don't believe that's true, Gavin, and I'm not leaving behind _the best_ thing in my life unless I'm sure you don't want me anymore... Because I want _you_ ."

Gavin's teetering again. He scowls at the floor, then lets out a single, broken whimper. He sucks in a breath to curse Nines out before the fight just bleeds out of out him, leaving him hollow and new tears roll down his cheeks. 

"I j-... You... Fuck." Gavin drags his hands down his face, his crutch of anger worn away and he's left with nothing but the hurt. He knows he's making an ugly face... lips pressed together, trying not to cry, eyes scrunched up. He shakes his head. "Why..?"

Nines reaches for his hand again, slowly this time and Gavin still doesn't want it. Not because he's scared this time... But because he won't have the heart to hurt Nines anymore and he'll be cornered with no escape. _It took so much to try and push Nines away, he just doesn't have it in him to do it again._

Nines' fingers touch his palm and Gavin's heart fucking cracks at what his partner says and the sadness beneath his words because he's the one that caused it. 

"Because... Even if you don't believe I'm capable of love, I know I care deeply for you. That I want to spend every moment I can by your side, making you happy and seeing you smile... Isn't that love?"

Gavin finally falls off the knife's edge he's been walking, and grief chokes its way up his throat as he takes Nines hand and reaches out with his other. He sobs messily, sniffling, and he feels so fucking low and underserving as Nines' arm wraps around him. Gavin sobs into his chest. "I didn't mean it. I didn't fucking mean it, Nines. I'm sorry. I know you love me, I just... I don't want you to. I don't deserve it. I just... I'm an asshole. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Nines sighs in relief with Gavin's back in his arms. _He's so glad he didn't give up... But he still needs to push._ Nines holds Gavin to him, brushing a hand over his hair and reassures him. "It's okay..."

Gavin shakes his head again, hating himself for what he said. "No, it's not... I'm sorry. You're not a broken machine or shit or... I didn't-"

Nines shushes him. _It hurt deeply to hear Gavin say those words to him, but he really needs to know what's been causing his lover such distress for months. If he backs down now, Gavin will find a way to avoid it and nothing will get better. Nines can address his own insecurities at a later date..._

"That doesn't matter right now... But Gavin, please, Love, you _have_ to talk to me now. You have to tell me the truth."

Gavin buries his face in Nines' chest, body shaking and the mere thought of having to say what happened makes him feel like he might be sick and pass out. He whimpers quietly, fingers in a death grip on Nines' shirt. "...I can't... I just can't."

 _It's a step in the right direction. At least Gavin's admitting there's something._ Nines squeezes him. "Yes, you can. You need to, my Love... I need to know, so I can help, whatever it is, I'm here for you."

Gavin falls silent in his arms again, still trembling and Nines hazards a guess, wanting Gavin to know he's here no matter what it is. "...If you've gotten yourself caught up in something illegal, you can tell me... If you're in over your head. I'm here for _you_ whatever it is, we'll work through it together. I'll always have your back an-"

Gavin shakes his head, sniffling out a small laugh that quickly dies away. "No... It- It's not anything like that. Promise."

Nines reaches down to tilt Gavin's head up, and all the hatred is gone from his eyes. Just fear left and Nines cups his cheek. "Then please, tell me... I'm here. I'm listening... Talk to me, Gavin."

 _He can't..._ Gavin moves his head away from Nines' hand, hating being cornered like a rat. He has no way to escape. He can't push Nines away. He can't get angry, the fire's burned out. He can't find a way to change the subject with Nines so fucking hellbent on wringing the truth from him... _But how the fuck does he begin to explain he was abu-... He can't. He just can't. He can't risk someone not believing him again. It'll kill him. He'll lose his mind._

"I can't..." Gavin tries one last time out of desperation and looks up at Nines, eyes fucking _begging_ for his partner to leave it alone. He brushes his hand along Nines' upper arm and sniffles, voice quiet. "Can't we just... Forget? Please? Just... Let me have a shower and calm down and then we can just forget about all this? I really am sorry for what I said Nines... But we cou-"

Nines shakes his head and Gavin's defeated as he flat out rejects his pleas. "No. I can't _forget_ this, Gavin... I need to know. The only way I can help you is if you talk to me. So, please, my Love, please, tell me why you're so distressed... Tell me what happened. Tell me so we can work through this together... Please. I don't want to see you like this... It breaks my heart."

Gavin feels so trapped. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. He feels like his heart's going to beat free out of his chest and the sheer exhaustion from his meltdown earlier is likely all that's stopping him from having a full-blown panic attack. _He's so tired._

Gavin tries to bargain once more, whimpering. "Can't we do this tomorrow? I'm so tired... We could talk tomorrow."

Nines exhales sadly, wanting to give Gavin the easy path, but he's done it so many times before. "No, Love... We both know you'll continue to avoid answering me if I agree to that... It has to be now. Please. Whatever it is, I'm here for _you._ Trust me."

 _Trust him?_ Trust's not an easy thing for him. Trust means opening himself up. Being vulnerable. _He's been betrayed before... That's what started off this spiral of self-destruction and never-ending fear..._

Gavin looks up at those blue eyes. He thinks of all the secrets they already hold. How he'd trust Nines with his very life. He'd trust Nines with anything... _But if Nines doesn't believe him... Gavin doesn't think his mind could take it. He's sure it'd fracture and he'd fall off the deep end again... And now he's a cop, he has more than just some unlabeled pills in a drawer._ But if he doesn't tell Nines, it's going to cause permanent damage to their relationship. He's already tried to cut things off, he can't bear it again. _He just wants to lay on the floor and go to sleep and blot the whole world out._ "I can't..."

"Yes, you can."

Gavin whimpers, voice shuddering as he looks down instead, unable to look up at Nines and forces himself to say. "I c-... I- I don't know how... How to say it. W-where to start. I can't, Nines..."

Nines has to refrain from embracing Gavin tighter for taking a step. He's tense and any wrong move could undo everything. He keeps his hand in place on Gavin's arm and rubs his thumb in a soothing circle. He keeps his voice soft, understanding. "It doesn't matter where you start, Gavin... I'll keep track. Say it however you can. I'll listen."

 _He wishes his dad had listened._ The thought gets past his defenses and starts to reopen the wound again. _It feels like someone's trying to crush his heart in their fist._ He just wants to sleep and pretend this never happened... He'd curse himself for letting his dad get the better of him if he wasn't so emotionally exhausted. 

Gavin looks up at Nines again. _Would Nines call him a liar? He doesn't think so..._ Gavin knows there's nothing he can do to avoid it. He doesn't know how he's going to say it. If he even _can_ say it... 

...But even if it's fucking terrifying to try and trust someone... If there's anyone he can risk trusting, it's Nines.

Gavin exhales shakily, closing his eyes and nods. "Okay. Okay... I'll try... But I really don't fucking know how to- I need a smoke... O-or a drink. Fuck it, anything."

Nines winces, not wanting to ruin everything now Gavin's considering explaining things to him, but... "I understand your want for comfort... But perhaps it would be best if you remained sober..."

Anger bristles up once more before fizzling out into nothingness. He knows Nines is right. If he tries getting high to help him through this, he'll probably do an even shittier job of explaining things... Or just fall asleep. Shit, he might even smoke enough to make himself sick just so he can avoid it... _But it would make everything so much easier... Make it distant and disconnected..._

"...Fine." Gavin gives in, looking to the living room and chooses a compromise without asking for it because if Nines says no to chain-smoking, he might just lose his absolute shit. 

He trudges into the living room, finding his carton and lighter with an ashtray before returning. He sits down on the edge of the bed, hands shaking as he lights his cigarette and hates how exposed he feels. Nothing by his back. Nothing to bundle him up. _He wishes he were in a dark corner, wrapped in a blanket... Warm and safe._

He's lost in thought when Nines' hand gently cups his ankle. It doesn't make him panic this time, it only makes him blackout when he's already angry, dwelling on memories... Now it just makes his skin crawl. Gavin gently slides his foot away before crossing his legs and shakes his head. "Don't..."

Nines withdraws his hand, distressed to be denied physically comforting Gavin, and feels the same impossibly hollow constriction in his chest again. _He's always hated the distance Gavin needs when stressed... It feels like a barrier put up between them. Tall and cold... But he's always tried to respect that wall._ "I'm sorry."

Gavin shakes his head more, then takes a long drag on his cigarette, hoping to calm his frazzled nerves. "No... Don't be. I- I just need space, yeah? Just... Gotta get my shit together, you know?"

Nines nods, bringing his hands back to rest in his lap and instead grips them together. "Of course."

"I need a minute."

"I can wait, Love." He keeps his response short but softly spoken, not wanting to pressure Gavin any further and squeezes his hands together when the urge to hold his partner presents itself. Nines watches Gavin, his partner's eyes staring off into the distance... Physically his eyes stare at some patch of their bed covers but Nines is sure his mind is elsewhere.

Minutes pass by before Gavin deeply inhales, looking up at the ceiling with a pained expression, voice rough. "I dunno where to start... It-... There's so much shit..."

"Start wherever is easiest, Love... Take your time."

Gavin nods and looks down at his lap again, eyes focused on the cigarette burning between his fingers before he finishes it, immediately lighting another. _There's years of hurt bundled away in his head. Festered wounds that have eaten away at him and strangled the life from him. It's a fucking mess he doesn't know where to start tackling, and the mere thought of some of the words that'll have to leave his mouth... It makes his fucking soul wither... But he's going to try._

Gavin swallows hard, turning his body away from Nines just enough to have him out of his periphery and picks at some fluff balled up on the fabric beside his leg. _Start where it's easiest..._ "Uh... So, my... My dad texted me today, and, um... Yeah, I _really_ fucking hate him. My, uh, my sister gave him my number. Haven't talked to him in fucking ages and... Out of the fucking blue, there he is."

Nines frowns, saddened to hear Gavin is lacking a close relationship with his father. Gavin's never been one to share much about his family or past, it's one of the first times the subject has ever come up in conversation. _Could his family be a major contributor to Gavin's stress?_ Nines shuts off the thought and purposefully stops himself from producing hypotheses based on the limited amount of information he's been given, trying to give Gavin nothing but his full and devoted attention. _He just needs to listen..._

Gavin breathes in another lungful of nicotine and scowls at the mental image of his dad. "I hate him. It's his fault I'm like this. All... Fucked up, and broken, and fucking angry, and hurt and... It's all his fault."

Gavin bites down on the inside of his cheek, heart pumping hard in his chest as he keeps forcing the words to come out. _They're messy as shit, but fuck it._ "...You know, my dad was a drunk. Always fucking drinking... Always fucking beer cans everywhere and-" Gavin laughs dryly. "-Mother fucker never opened the curtains... It was like living in a goddamn hillbilly moonshine cellar or some shit..."

The sour amusement quickly melts off of his face. "But uh, yeah... Sometimes he'd invite friends over to drink with him... Watch the game on the TV. What game? Any fucking game... Just something to spit and cheer at."

Gavin's throat gets tight, voice falling silent and he struggles to face the memory. Not even _those_ memories. He relives them so often at night. But the ones before that... Before he truly knew what a monster _he_ was...

Gavin keeps picking at the fluff on their bed, trying to push away the feelings of being so fucking stupid for believing _him_... How didn't he see it? Did he deserve it? _He_ said Gavin did... He winces, fighting back against the suffocating accusations and memories he's tried so hard to bury. _He feels like it's all going to collapse in on him..._

Gavin closes his eyes, tries to forget Nines is there... Pretends he's speaking to a wall. No one. _He's just thinking out loud._ He opens his eyes, unfocused down at his lap.

"And uh... Yeah, he'd get the guys round and... One of them, uh-" He fights back the tears threatening to return and instead, ugly, quiet, empty huffs of amusement leave him... No joy, just sad hurt he doesn't know what else to do with. 

"He was really nice to me... Like, I never had much family, you know? Mom left, never met _her_ parents... And dad's were dead, and he was a single child. Most my family was scattered around fuck knows where... It was fucking lonely. Dad always drunk. Sister was out working most the time so there was just me. That guy, he... He... He was like a big brother to me, uncle I never had and shit."

Gavin has to remind himself to breathe, head dizzy and he keeps talking to no one, just thinking out loud. "He never treated me like a kid... I thought that was so cool. He'd buy shit for me and, well, we had no money, so... He'd buy me stuff, and let me drink and curse, and we'd watch movies. Like, full-on, blood and guts and sex and... All the shit you shouldn't let a twelve-year-old watch. But at the time? That was all I wanted... And he _knew_ that."

Gavin takes a deep breath, trying to make himself calm down and keeps voicing his fucking broken mess of thoughts to no one. "He was _dad's_ friend. If it wasn't for him, I never would've... It's his fault that he... That D-... It's his fault that Dale was even allowed into our fucking house... And I told him. I told him what he did and... That... Th-..."

Gavin can feel himself shaking and raises his shoulders up, curling in defensively as liquid brims his eyes again. He's trying so hard to forget Nines is there, but he knows once the words are out of his mouth, he can't take them back. _They'll be set in stone, out in the open. No longer just bottled up in his head. Someone else will know._

He's so fucking scared to say the words and his lips tremble, breath caught in his throat as he stutters out the words. "And... I- I t-... I told my dad that... That he... He was-" 

Gavin sobs out a single, hollow laugh before letting out a broken sob, looking over to the wall... _Just fucking say it._ "You know... It's kinda fucked up. I can't even say that he was touching _me_ at that point... Isn't that fucked? I was- He was... Making me touch _him..._ "

Gavin lets out a shuddering breath, nausea rising up his throat as he buries his head in his hands, ashamed and terrified to even glance at the person next to him that's not meant to be there. He lets out a broken cry, whimpering down at nothing and everything starts spilling out... Some dam in his mind broken and he can't hold back the crushing hurt. 

He brings his knees up, curling in on himself defensively and rubs away tears with the back of his hand. "I told my dad what Dale made me do... And he was fucking _drunk!_ Just like always. Always fucking drunk, and he called me a liar... And he fucking forgot because he's a fucking waste of space, piece of shit, fucking... I _hate_ him so much... He kept inviting Dale over to watch me when he went out... Again, and again, and _again._ To fucking _watch_ me... He did more than that. My dad could've stopped it. Before it got worse... I already felt so fucking sick and dirty, and it got so much _worse_ because he didn't believe me..."

Gavin sniffles, tears pouring down his cheeks and all the resentment against everyone who never saw his pain bubbles up to the surface. "I had no one. I was so fucking _scared_ and _alone._ It felt like no one cared, that they all abandoned me... That I _deserved_ it. I was too scared to tell anyone after dad, so, I just stayed quiet. I acted out at school. Stupid... Starting fights and breaking shit, skipping classes. I just wanted someone to notice... _Anyone_ to notice I needed help. That I was fucking _breaking._ " 

Gavin inhales, breath shuddering and the tears start slowing, numbness setting in instead, pillowing him. "People noticed... I just wanted someone to ask _what's wrong?_ But it was always _what's wrong with YOU?_ Because I'm the fuck up. Because it's _my_ fault."

He stares down, not seeing, just feeling empty... _And he's okay with that._ "...Over a fucking _year_ Dale kept... Just more, and more... He'd tell me to have a bath, so he could dry me. Sneaking into my room at night to... to put his fucking hand down my pants. I was so fucking scared to sleep... Scared of every noise in that house... Every footstep. I started dragging shit in front of the door and begging my sister to let me sleep in her room. I think something would've snapped if I didn't have her. She stopped him from... I mean, she didn't know what he was gonna do, she didn't see it, just came home early."

He remembers that night Debbie saved him. The pure fucking relief and gratitude that swelled his chest when he heard the front door open and Debbie call out his name. _She saved him_

"He liked _sharing_ his beers with me. Used to say it was so he knew how much I was drinking... Dunno how I was so stupid to believe that bullshit, but he gave me my own one night and... I dunno what the fuck he put it in but I didn't feel right and... He put me in his lap and... I know what he was gonna do... He put his fingers in me and I know what he was gonna do next and... That _never_ would've happened if my dad believed me. He could've stopped _everything._ It never would've happened and... And I'd be normal, not... This. A fucking mess..."

Any further words die on Gavin's tongue and he stares down at nothing, mind distant as silence drags on. He squeezes himself tighter, heartbeat slowly increasing at the panic of Nines' silence. _He said it... Laid everything out in the open... Does Nines not believe him? Does he think he's lying? He'll lose the fucking will to live if Nines doesn't believe him. He just can't take it again._ He trembles at the thought, but it comes in waves. Anxiety, and his mind frantically trying to numb him from it. 

He drops his legs down, still staring down at the covers and swallows before asking quietly. "Aren't you going to say anything...?"

Nines' eyes focus on his lover, eyes wet and in a state of shock, still under a constant barrage of emotions at hearing the horrors he's endured. _He can't handle the overwhelming amount of anger, disgust, grief, and pain flooding every thought._ He tried to speak, so many times... But his voice fell short, words lost and just forcing himself not to give in to the burning need to hold Gavin... _To impossibly protect him._ He forces his voice out, distant to his own ears and still lost on what he could possibly say. "I... I'm sorry... I know that means nothing. Changes nothing... But I am... Sorry. I don't..."

Nines falls silent again, internally cursing at himself for leaving Gavin so vulnerable after sharing everything he begged him to. _Useless machine._ He clenches his teeth together, trying to sift through everything before giving up to just speak... Even if his thoughts are in disarray, he can't leave Gavin to the silence. 

"I'm... I'm angry. Enraged at your father... At that... _Vile,_ disgusting excuse of a life that doesn't deserve to live. I'm so... Fucking angry and, I want to help you. Protect you... But I can't. The damage has been done and there's _nothing_ I can do to take that away. I feel angry and useless, and helpless... To know the man I love has endured such horrors that no one should ever experience, and there's nothing I can do to help him... I want to take it all away."

Nines' expression hardens, finding the deep and loathsome fucking _hate_ he feels towards this despicable creature, _Dale,_ blistering up his spine. "And I want to fucking _kill_ that man, and I don't know if I could stop myself if I saw him in person. I want him to _hurt,_ I want him to pay... He should at least be in prison for what he did to you, a child... You never deserved that, Gavin. It's beyond me how a father could turn a blind eye to his own child after hearing even the possibility of being assaulted... No matter the circumstances, it's sickening..."

Nines looks to Gavin, still holding back the all-consuming need to hold and protect his partner, and asks urgently. "Please tell me Dale's last name. I know evidence will be scarce but he can't get away with what he's done. I'll find something, Gavin. Anything. He'll have a trail somewhere. Some trophy. Some photo. I c-"

Gavin shakes his head, still numb, and it's hard to accept any of Nines' words into his heart, though the panic of Nines not believing him is gone. _But he's right... It is useless. There's nothing to be done._ "Dale's dead. He had a heart attack or a stroke or something years ago..."

Nines squeezes his fist tighter, still viscerally disgusted and admits quietly. "Maybe that's for the best... For my sake. Truthfully, I doubt I would've been able to refrain from killing him, given the chance."

Gavin smiles a little, comforted by Nines' words... As dark as they may be, it comforts him. _He would've given anything for Nines to be there when he was a kid... Someone who would not only protect him, but remove that man from existence so he'd never have to look over his shoulder in fear._ "Thanks... You know, I was so fucking relieved when I found out he'd died. I was always scared of him coming back. I felt so fucking free, but I was _angry_ too. Angry that sick son of a bitch died before I had a chance to ask him _why?_ Why me? Why did he do that to me? Why did he ruin my life?"

Gavin keeps looking down at the floor, still feeling completely exposed and says, not to no one, but to Nines. "I saw him a couple of times in the street after everything and... It was like I was back there. With him. I felt so cold... I couldn't move, couldn't speak. I just _stared,_ feeling sick and... So, yeah, maybe it's good he died, because I don't think I could've ever asked him... I was too scared."

He falters over the next words, fearful for Nines' response but he needs to say it, needs to finally say something after the decades it's eaten away at him. Filled him with guilt and self-loathing. _Some pathetic part of him he's disgusted at hopes Nines might say something that will help lift that crippling weight from his shoulders._ "I know I should've said something, back then... Not for me, but for whoever he found after me." 

Gavin hangs his head in shame, wringing his hands in his lap, awaiting his judgment. "I know he didn't stop after me... I know he moved onto someone else, but I didn't care back then. I was just so relieved it was over. I was scared. I didn't want to do anything to make him come back. So I didn't say anything... It's my fault the next kid went through that... Maybe worse. Maybe they didn't have somebody to stop him from-"

Nines cuts into his sentence, voice soft but certain. "Gavin. You were a _child..._ Of course you were scared... Love, it's not your fault. How could it possibly be your fault? You were sexually abused and... You've dealt with these cases in the past, I know that... Would you _ever_ place the blame on of one those children? No, because they were victims. They were scared children, just like you... Don't ever blame yourself for that monster's actions."

New tears well up in Gavin's eyes, so unbelievably fucking grateful to hear Nines say that... _It doesn't make the guilt disappear, but it helps. Helps to hear just one person tell him after this time, it's not his fault._

He turns to face Nines properly for the first time since sharing everything, the only other person in the whole fucking world that truly knows what he's been through... And Nines looks back at him with his cheeks wet, LED red and Gavin can see the way his body's leaning forward, fighting against moving closer. He can't hold back a heavy sob before moving towards Nines, immediately accepted into open arms and hugged tight. _He feels safe..._ He sobs. "Thank you... Thank you..."

Nines holds Gavin close, finally able to have his lover in arms after struggling to hold back for so long and he murmurs softly. "I'm here for you... I love you... I'm here... I won't let anyone hurt you again, I swear it... "

Gavin crawls into Nines' lap, face pressed in against his chest and doesn't complain one bit at the constricting hold around him. _He needs it... Needs to feel secure._ "I love you..."

Nines buries his face in Gavin's hair, still dealing with the sudden grief of finding out what's been haunting his Love all this time. Everything makes sense and Nines is almost certain the only reason he didn't piece it together, is because his heart refused it to be a possibility. There are questions stirring in his head... Things he needs to know. Things he needs to know not to do. Things that deeply concern him... _But now's not the time._

Nines doesn't let go of his partner and Gavin continues clinging to him as he cries, soaking Nines' shirt with tears. He presses kisses to Gavin's scalp and whispers promises of never leaving, always loving him and that he'll never allow Gavin to be hurt again. 

Gavin's so exhausted and by the time his tears dry up again, he's struggling to stay conscious but somehow still clinging onto Nines like a life raft. He sniffles into Nines' chest before being moved to lay down and Gavin follows, wanting nothing more than to sleep with his entire being raw from reliving so much hurt. 

Gavin's almost fallen asleep when a thought flares up in his mind, anxiety bringing him back to consciousness. He pulls at Nines' shirt and begs. "You can't tell anyone. Please... I don't want anyone to know, especially my sister, it'd kill her, Nines. I don't want anyone else to know."

"Of course, I won't tell anyone." Nines' eyebrows tug up in concern but he agrees... _After all, it's not his business to share... But he does feel communication with his family would help..._

"Thank you..." 

He feels Gavin begin to relax again, a kiss is pressed to his chest and it's not long before his partner's drifted to sleep beside him. _Nines doubts he will be capable of sleep tonight... His mind is loud._ He stares up at the ceiling, heart still aching and begins laying down security encryptions over Gavin's confession. He knows Connor will want to interface with him eventually and Nines makes certain that every word and related thought is hidden away with the highest security protocols. 

It takes a long while, eating into the night but there's little else for him to do except not think of the trauma his lover's endured and how many times Nines may have forced him to relive it by accident. _Looking back, times he may have triggered Gavin's trauma stand out in disturbingly high detail... And the sadness at knowing all the times his partner claimed to have forgotten night terrors... He was likely dreaming of the abuse he endured._ It breaks his heart.

Nines removes the alteration to his sleep protocols to make him sleep through Gavin possibly mumbling in his sleep. _There's no way he can allow himself to ignore the next time Gavin's trapped in his mind. Nines will wake him up._ His own mind is still racing and Nines knows he won't sleep, but at least he watch over his Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 Thank you so much for kudos and comments <3


	3. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calming down after yesterday's storm of emotions, Gavin explains his triggers to Nines after his partner expresses concern about their scenes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** **_TRIGGER WARNING._** ***  
> All chapters will include memories of and talking about past childhood abuse and trauma, especially in chapters 2 and 3. Please read the tags carefully. Stay safe. 

Gavin slowly wakes up, legs trembling as he stretches with a groan and frowns at the darkness behind his eyelids. _God, he feels like shit... How can he wake up feeling so goddamn exhausted?_ His eyes feel like lead weights and the moment Gavin flexes his hand resting on Nines' chest, he winces, knuckles aching in protest.

He squints, feeling the same stiff pain in his toes as he hooks his ankle over Nines. _Why's he feel like he's been in a fight...?_ Gavin's groggy haze starts to lift as last night replays in his mind.

He remembers the text. _Still unanswered._ Him punching the shit out of the wall. _He's lucky he didn't break his fucking knuckles._ Yelling at Nines. _Guilt and shame smothering him at the memory._ And... He told him.

It doesn't change anything, but something in his gut hollows out at knowing another person is actually aware of what he went through. He's so used to tackling this by himself, and now, he doesn't have to anymore. He's so grateful not to be shouldering that burden alone, but at the same time, he feels more vulnerable than he ever has before... _He's never opened up like this to anyone. He feels exposed. Like glass._

"Good morning, my Love."

Gavin wets his lips, clearing his throat before speaking, and while he doesn't look up at Nines, he still pushes out a small smile he hopes his partner will catch in his voice. "...Hey."

His voice is rough, gritty, and Gavin takes a slow, deep breath to steady himself before looking up at his boyfriend. _Part of him is hesitant to look Nines in the eye. Worried he'll find something different or missing in them. Will Nines still look at him the same way? He doesn't want that to change..._ It doesn't make sense to think that way, but he does, heart heavy in his chest as he glances up... _And Nines' face ends up being too close and out of focus anyway_.

Gavin leans back until Nines' face is in focus and exhales in relief at the same, undeserving love shining in his partner's eyes... _He can see the sadness there too... But that's not what he was afraid of._

He gives Nines a tired smile and gently pats a hand down on his partner's chest. "So, how long you been up?"

Nines looks thoughtful, eyebrows pulling into a frown before admitting. "Truthfully, I didn't sleep."

"Oh... Sorry." Gavin winces, guilt prickling in his chest before Nines squeezes him closer, voice comforting.

"Don't be sorry, I don't require it to the extent you do. I'm fine, Love."

 _Yeah... True._ Gavin brushes off _most_ of the guilt trying to worm its way in and smooths his hand along Nines' side, relaxing in the steady rise and fall of his partner's chest by his cheek. _He still feels so fucking drained. Yesterday sapped the energy from his motherfucking bone marrow..._

Gavin stretches out his legs with a groan, then sighs around a laugh. "Damn, I slept like a rock and I still feel like shit. I could sleep, like... The whole fucking day. Easy."

Nines' hand rubs across his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Then sleep. I'm happy to stay here beside you until you feel sufficiently rested."

Gavin's more than happy to lay down and sleep in his bed for the next fucking year, but... "As good as that sounds, Tincan, my bladder's got other ideas."

Nines makes a sympathetic noise in his throat, tone lightly playful. "Oh, the woes of a human existence..."

Gavin snorts, rolling his eyes and goes along with the teasing. "I know right! Eating? Drinking? Who's got time for that shit? ...Anyways, gonna drag my fine ass outta bed."

The supporting hold around his body disappears, and Gavin reluctantly rolls his body over with a grunt, scratching at the marks on his thigh, left from sleeping on the seams of his sweats. "Ew... This is why I hate sleeping in fucking clothes."

"I'll be sure to remind you not to repeat that mistake tonight." Nines laughs softly and Gavin rolls his shoulder, leaning his body, trying to get his back to crack as his partner continues. "Shall I make you breakfast?"

Gavin wrinkles his nose. "Nah. Not hungry."

There's a disapproving noise rumbling in his partner's chest, but he folds. "If you're certain, Love... Perhaps a drink?"

Gavin pauses midstretch and looks over his shoulder, putting on his best toothy smile. "Oh...! Yes. Coffee."

Nines' eyebrows pop up and he gives Gavin a _look._ "Yes....?"

Gavin's fake smile shifts into a genuine grin and he completely ignores the word Nines is after, pursing his lips thoughtfully. "...Now? Prick?"

Nines stops his climb out of bed and lays back down, arms crossed with a light scoff. "Or you can just brew it yourself."

Gavin narrows his eyes. _Nines' coffee tastes so fucking good. He grinds it up right before making it and does all that thorough shit. There's no way he's passing up that..._ But Gavin still can't stop himself from being a sarcastic ass. "Alright. Alright... Oh please, King Nines his mighty fucking highness, can I have a fucking coffee? _Please."_

Nines shakes his head but sits back up again, voice equally mocking back. "You fucking may."

"Thank." Gavin flashes him one more toothy grin before moving into the bathroom and finally, he gets some much-needed relief, then moves over to check himself in the mirror and... _Wow... He looks like shit._

Gavin sighs at his reflection, bloodshot, puffy eyes and blotched cheeks staring back at him. _He looks like the walking fucking dead..._ He tries to fix his hair back into an acceptable style and tsks at his hair not staying down. _He's gonna have to get his hair set again soon... It wears off after a while as his hair grows and then, it falls wherever the fuck it likes. It's weird as hell having that stupid helmet thing on while those mini-nanobot things fuck with his hair, but it's easier getting that done every few months than dicking around with hair gel every time he's called out at ass o'clock to a crime scene._

Gavin spends a second basking in his misery before thinking _fuck it,_ and washes his hands. _Nines had his chance to bail last night, too late now._

The thought brings last night back into focus and after their playful exchange this morning, Gavin smiles a little, relief trickling through him. _Everything's okay... He told someone and it's okay... Nines believed him, he's still with him, and if anything, Gavin can feel how much lighter the weight is on his shoulders. Two decades of bundled hurt, always feeling alone, broken and abandoned... And Nines makes him feel so fucking loved like he's always needed._

He gets lost in his thoughts for a minute, eyes unfocused down at the sink before an odd sound in the bedroom catches his attention. Gavin steps out of the bathroom to see Nines hunched over on the other side of their bed, something scraping against the carpet and something broken... _Oh. Fuck._

He forgot about breaking that lamp in his meltdown last night. "Nines... Just leave it, I'll clean it up." 

"No need, I've almost finished."

Gavin grumbles in his throat, feeling like an asshole as he walks over to Nines' side of the bed and watches his partner brush the last pieces of broken lamp into the pan. Gavin frowns at the splash of blue on one of the bigger pieces and sighs.

"Is that thirium?"

Nines looks up at him, head tilted in confusion before looking back down at the pan, understanding crosses his features again and he shrugs. "Ah... Yes, I stepped on a piece last night. I'm quite alright, Love."

 _He feels like shiiit._ Gavin sighs hard, mumbling another apology as Nines disappears back through the living room, the clatter of pottery being emptied into the garbage before his parter's back with a mug of coffee. Nines looks pleased with himself and places it down on his bedside table before lying down in their bed, hands folded over his stomach. 

Gavin looks at the steam rising off of his coffee before turning back to his partner. "Which foot did it cut?"

Nines blinks a little and tilts one of his feet back, stretching and curling his toes. "My left... Why?"

Gavin kneels down and cups his hand over the top of Nines' foot before pressing an apologetic kiss to his arch, slowly working his way up and his partner chuckles softly. "Gavin..."

He looks up at Nines, still pressing kisses to the ball of his foot before resting his cheek against the soft skin there. "I'm sorry. I fucking hate that you got hurt because of my bullshit."

Nines' eyebrows tug up but he smiles reassuringly. "Accidents will happen, my Love, and I promise you, I'm fine. No pain." Nines wiggles his toes, and after looking like he's busy debating something in his head, teases. "Unless you have foot kink you need to indulge in, then, by all means, continue."

Gavin snorts lightly and rubs his hand up Nines' calf below the leg of his pajama pants. "Thought that'd be your thing with all the body worship shit."

"I do enjoy body worship, feet included."

"Well, then, consider them worshipped." Gavin turns his head to press another kiss to Nines' arch, smoothing a hand down Nines' leg before placing his hands either side of his foot. Gavin works his thumbs into the arch and ball, squeezing harder than he usually would for the android, and spends the next few minutes silently apologizing, Nines quietly watching him with a soft hum in his throat.

Gavin gives the side of Nines' leg a light pat as he pushes himself back up, grabbing his cup of coffee before sitting next to his partner in bed. 

"Mmm, thank you, my Love." Nines smiles lazily at him, hand resting on Gavin's thigh as he sips at his fucking perfect coffee. _Nines always makes it best._ He closes his eyes and enjoys a moment of peace before glancing over at the empty space on Nines' bedside table. _Fuck's sake... He's gonna have to buy a new lamp now._

Nines follows his line of sight before turning back with a sympathetic expression. Gavin shakes his head and admits with a groan. "Gotta stop breaking shit when I'm upset... Hey, maybe when we get that sex swing all hooked up, I could use that hook for a punching bag."

Nines hums in approval, looking up at the ceiling with a flicker of yellow in his LED. "An ingenious idea, Love... I think that would be very helpful."

Gavin takes another sip of coffee before smirking over to his partner, bumping him with his elbow. "Maybe you can tie me up to that hook and use me as a punching bag."

He flashes Nines a wink and Gavin receives a soft laugh in return, the hand on his leg squeezing in reply. _It was only a joke, but Gavin wouldn't mind Nines taking it seriously..._ He loves rough treatment, and after everything, the thought of Nines tearing up his back with a whip or caning his ass till it bleeds sounds like heaven. _That soothing burn just frees his mind and he can drift along subspace like a lazy river._

Gavin places his coffee mug down on his table and gently pokes a finger in Nines' side. "Wanna fuck me up a little? Could get your bullwhip and see how many strikes I can take. Bet I can take ten... And if I can't, you can make me."

He grins mischievously, eager for Nines to drag him into place and start laying new marks on his property... But Nines' LED spins yellow, wearing a guilty expression as he shakes his head. "I'm sorry... I-... I don't feel capable of hurting you at the moment Gavin... I can't."

Gavin's shoulders slump, the wind knocked out of his sails and he sighs down at the mattress. He guesses he can't blame him, but it's a double whammy of disappointment that they can't play, and the insecurity crawling up his throat for his attempt at flirting hitting a fucking brick wall. Gavin tries thinking of alternatives until Nines interrupts him, voice troubled.

"I don't... I don't know when it would be an appropriate time to ask... But before we can continue our scenes, Gavin, I have questions... I'm concerned. There are moments I'm almost certain I may have triggered your PTSD. I need to know how to avoid that in the future... We so often play with, what are considered hard limits for most."

Any fizzling warmth that had gathered inside of him is immediately extinguished and Gavin feels like someone blindsided him around the face. _PTSD? He guesses he has that... He never looked into anything past searching online for help and answers. It's weird to hear someone else say that he has it._

Gavin hunches his shoulders, feeling exposed again... _But he gets it. They play with fire all the time. Or at least, he guesses to Nines it looks that way. And there's no way Nines is going to understand the things he actually has issues with if he doesn't try to explain._ Gavin sighs, not wanting to have another conversation about his past so soon after the last... _But maybe it'd be easier getting everything out of the way at once._

"Okay..." Gavin settles back down on the bed, dragging a pillow over to rest on his lap and gathers up whatever energy he has leftover. _The emotional exhaustion after yesterday actually helps a little._

"Okay, yeah... I get it. Ask whatever you want, just... I'm not saying I don't _ever_ wanna talk about it again, just not for a while, yeah? Get all this out of the way, then give me time to get my shit back together... So, what d'you wanna know?"

The guilt on Nines' face for asking is clear and he hesitates to ask, but Gavin's not sure he can spare the emotional energy to reassure him... Until he remembers last night again. _That heart-broken look on his boyfriend's face... He said the fucking worst possible things he could think to say, knowing full well Nines' fear of being a violent, dangerous, broken machine._ Gavin sighs hard, chest clutching tight as he pushes himself up.

Nines look up at him, obvious worry in his eyes that he's going to leave, but Gavin moves over to sit beside his partner, head leaning back against the headboard and barely an inch between their shoulders. _He hates this... Being in touching distance. He likes to be out of arm's reach. Able to keep an eye on everything around him. It makes his heart thud to have Nines so close and out of the center of his sight._

 _It's okay... It's okay... He's okay._ Gavin exhales slowly, keeping his nerves under control and nods to himself, but talks to Nines. "I'm okay, I can do this." 

"Thank you..." Nines says softly and Gavin glances over to him, making himself remember falling into Nines' arms last night... How safe he felt... _And he's still safe now._ Gavin pushes out a little smile, anxiety and sickness still gnawing at him in preparation for Nines' questions.

"I suppose, first, I want to know if there's anything I could do or say that may accidentally trigger your PTSD... It doesn't matter how big or small, please."

Gavin exhales a groan, shrugging up his shoulders before letting them fall. _He knows things that just make him uncomfortable, knows things that make him flashback and blackout, things that used to get to him, and things that only sometimes catch him off guard._ Gavin shakes his head. 

"It's... Complicated. Some things fuck me up bad. Some I got used to. Some that don't matter unless I'm already in a bad headspace. It's like, A is fine, B and C are fine too... But, then B could be bad with A and like, B and C are even fucking worse... I don't know... And, I don't want to stop all of it either. I wouldn't have gotten past so much shit if it didn't keep happening and... I mean, half the shit are things I either like or play close to shit I like."

Nines stays quiet and Gavin makes himself explain the mess of shit that's scattered all around his brain, fiddling with his fingers. "So... Like, getting teased about the size of my dick. I love that. Plays into humiliation and shit, but... If it goes on too long, too many times or... Like, calling it cute, instead of pathetic? I don't like that, but... It wouldn't make me flashback, you know? It'd just make me feel... A bit sick, I guess."

Gavin frowns down at his lap, body tense and fidgeting with his clothing as Nines speaks gently beside him. "I understand, I would still like you to explain to me any triggers you're aware of so I can be conscious of my actions. Gavin, yesterday, when I took your wrist and you... Shouted at me. Was that what your episodes look like? I just want to be able to recognize one if that happens, so I can stop what I'm doing. Is there anything I could do to help?"

Gavin shakes his head. "No, that wasn't a flashback... More, blackout, I guess. If I'm already angry then... I don't know. I think the adrenaline makes me fight back? Fight or flight kinda thing... It doesn't last long. Maybe half a minute, maybe less? But, yeah, I would've locked up if you didn't let go."

"Locked up?"

Gavin nods slowly, trying not to think about how helpless it makes him feel, how helpless he felt, but he does his best. _He just needs to explain it all now, then he can forget about it again... Rip off the band-aid._

Gavin takes a deep breath, giving himself an inner pep talk before deepening his nod. "Yeah... So, um... Whenever..." _It's okay, come on._ "Okay. Whenever Dale would... I'd just lock up. Just let my mind fuck off somewhere else, far away... Pretend it's not my body. I'm just a brain. My brain's in my skull. He can't touch me there. If he tried, I'd die, so it'd never happen. I was safe, if I just, pulled everything in and didn't care about the rest of what was attached to me... I guess."

He remembers that numb, hollow detachment... Mind sheltered and staring at the wall, time turned to soup and letting his body be manipulated like a puppet. _That part wasn't really him. He could cut all of his limbs off and nothing would change. He could be nothing but a heart, head, and lungs, and who he was wouldn't change. So his body's not important. It's not the real him. Just his shell._

Gavin blinks, dragging himself out of his thoughts and rubs his hands over his face. _It's okay. He's in his house. He bought his house. He has a job. He's an adult, not a fucking kid. He's strong. He'd beat the shit out of a motherfucker easy._

He breathes deep. "So, yeah. Locking up for me is just... If that happens. I don't talk, I don't move. I mean I _can_ a little, but... Just like, turn my head, walk, rock, mumble... I just, shut down and space out... The worse it gets, the longer it takes for me to come out of it."

Nines lets out a low sigh and Gavin can hear the toll this is taking on his partner as well. "I'm so sorry, Love... You should never have been forced to find such ways to cope with trauma, let alone as a child. Is there anything I can do to help during one of these episodes? Anything that I should avoid?"

Gavin hears Nines' words, and they're kind, but he doesn't know to respond... He runs his hands through his hair before bringing a knee up to his chest, fingers interlocked in front of his calf. "Uh... Well, don't touch me." 

Gavin laughs with nothing but an empty feeling of fear in his chest. "I used to hate being touched, by anyone. Only my sister and my mom didn't make me panic. I'm okay now, but if I'm locking up, don't touch me... Unless you need to move me, but, any touch is going to make it worse. I guess it might help if I could be somewhere dark with a blanket... I feel safer somewhere small where I know people can't touch me..."

Nines is quiet for a few seconds, then asks. "... I understand not to touch you, but because I want to be able to help you somehow... If you were _'locked up',_ could I touch you to lay you down in bed, then, as you mentioned, put a blanket over you, dim the lights... And afterward, keep my distance?"

Gavin thinks for a moment, half trying to simulate it in his head, but at the same time, not wanting to think about the hell he's trapped in during those moments. _Some are worse than others..._ But Gavin thinks the comfort of a blanket and possible bed might be worth the exchange... And he's sure Nines would never touch him anywhere that would send him spiraling. "Yeah... I think that'd be okay... But, maybe try and steer me by my shoulders? I think that might be okay. Don't touch my hands or wrists or... _you know._ Obviously."

"Obviously." Nines doesn't snap, but Gavin can hear the disgust in his voice that's not aimed at him. Gavin shrugs in thought, knowing rough treatment is a cure-all for most things when he's not in the flashback itself. 

"Touching my neck might help if I'm heading _towards_ one, but not there yet. Usually getting choked helps ground me. It's helped me out of falling into a flashback before... Kinda shocks me back to reality and shit."

Gavin glances over at Nines, his partner staring down in thought, and even with his LED hidden on the other side of his face, Gavin's sure it's yellow. After a long moment, Nines lifts his head to ask. "Would talking to you help?"

Gavin blinks, honestly surprised. He'd never even considered that. Not the kinda thing he'd usually think of. _He got so used to his old shitty Doms who didn't care, having to tackle the aftermath of his flashbacks alone._ Gavin huffs softly with a little amusement at himself. "Yeah, actually... That might be nice."

Nines smiles a little, eyes oddly warm for their steel blue color. "Is there anything in particular you would like me to talk about?"

Gavin bites down on the inside of his cheek in thought before answering. "I don't mind... I think you could talk about anything and it might help... But, I mean, when things are getting a bit fucky in my head I remind myself where I am, how old I am... Sometimes if I'm panicking, it's easy for me to forget I'm not a weak, little kid anymore. I'm a cop who goes down the gym and, fucking somehow, has my shit together... And it probably sounds stupid but I have this mantra _'It's okay. I'll be okay'_ when I'm freaking out."

"That doesn't sound stupid at all, Love. It's a positive message to yourself, and I'll remember it. I do hope I'll never have to put this information into action, but I want to be prepared... I can't bear to stand by doing nothing when you're distressed."

"Thanks..." Gavin says it sincerely, a little sprig of hope in his chest for the future. He knows there'll be flashbacks, there always are, but maybe the next one will be easier to come out of when he's not alone. Nines cares for him, knows his limits, knows what, and what _not_ to do... Maybe he won't come out of it feeling broken beyond repair and alone in his pain, abandoned. _Shit, he doesn't deserve this guy... What the fuck._

There's a moment of silence before Nines asks. "Will you explain your triggers to me, please? I acknowledge that they're complex, but anything will be helpful... As much as you're comfortable with and willing to explain, Love."

"...Okay." Gavin sighs again, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck as he holds back an eye-roll. _Triggers... Triggered... It's basically a fucking joke now. Makes him feel so stupid sometimes..._ But he pushes that aside to spend a moment gathering up a mental list of any shit that makes his blood run cold, and worse. 

"So, you remember the whole small dick thing, yeah?" 

Nines breaks his patient silence with a hum of quiet confirmation and Gavin continues. "It's all gonna be like that, Nines... Stupid, complicated shit where it's sometimes, maybe, but not if one thing, maybe with another, but I like it, but I don't... I can't just give you a solid list."

"I understand that, Love, I do... I just can't bear the thought of hurting you when it could've been avoided. Even the smallest things, just tell me so I can keep note."

Gavin exhales hard, giving in. "Fucking fine... Okay. So, the dick thing... I... I hate the smell of beer. Not in a bar, but in a house or, like, on someone's clothes. That's not gonna send me off the deep end, but it makes me edgy as shit. Just a constant fear of some bad shit about to happen, and nausea... Beer on someone's breath is worse."

Gavin slams a door down on the memories creeping back in and shakes his head. Part of his grudge against Hank is the smell he'd drag into the station after a bender. Every second in the station was fight or flight, body tensed every time that stench wafted across to his desk. He hated Hank so fucking much for it... _He hopes Hank'll stick to whiskey around him. He doesn't hate the guy anymore... He really doesn't._

"So yeah, Beer, hard no... Uh..." He hesitates over the next one he can think of, having chosen easier ones to explain first and reminds himself, once this is over, he won't have to talk about it for a long time, hopefully never. 

"Don't... Don't like... Wake me up by jerking me off, or worse, by making me jerk _you_ off. It's another weird one... I love the idea of being woken up to get you off... And me, waking up to you screwing me? Fuck, yes... But... If I'm having a nightmare then that could really fuck me up, _bad._ But, I still like the idea... But-" 

Gavin breaks off his explanation, burying his head in his hands with a frustrated groan. "Why's this shit gotta be so complicated... Okay. Don't wake me up by jerking me off. Don't wake me up by jerking you off... Just wake me up first, let me get my shit together for like, ten seconds, yeah? Just let me remember where I am... And as for fucking me? That'd probably be safer, to be honest, that never happened. I fucking wish I could know if I wasn't gonna have a nightmare and try that..."

Gavin thinks about the first time Nines fucked him. _Damn android screwed him till he fell asleep and kept going. Those countless seconds of darkness between being awake, then the warm twist in his gut at opening his eyes to find Nines still using him like a toy... But he doesn't know if he'll ever get to try that again. He fucking hates the way his head works... Fucking his kinks over._

Nines' voice carries over, gentle and reassuring. "I understand, I can wake you prior to any activities."

 _Gavin wishes he didn't have to._ He remembers when he couldn't even jerk someone else off. It'd make him lock up and they'd carry on guiding his hand... Eventually, Gavin started getting aggressive with his handjobs, and taking charge helped him work past his trigger so he could enjoy giving them again... _He wishes he could try that here, but with his nightmares, he could be thrown into a full flashback. It's too unpredictable... It's not worth it..._

Gavin nods, keeping his old trigger private. He can usually shake someone else's hand off these days if they try to guide him and tell them to fuck off, he can do it himself. It'll throw him out of the moment, but not much more than that. He finds a way to get back in the mood. _He rarely gets Nines off beside him anyways. If they're next to each other, Gavin can bet his head's going to get pushed down instead._ "Sounds good... Uh... I don't really like holding hands. Nothing major, I just get uncomfortable, but I been getting over that... You know, with your help."

Gavin nudges his arm gently against Nines, happy to hear a small huff of affectionate amusement from his partner... A small piece of something good in all the shit Gavin feels like he's drowning in at the moment. He takes the chance to finally explain why he struggles with the little sappy things that he knows, deep down, Nines seriously fucking deserves. "You know I'm... Kinda a pain in the ass about that kinda stuff? The hand holding and affection shit?"

There's a delayed hum of agreement from his partner and Gavin continues. "It's because of him- Because of Dale. He... I... He told me he was in love with me. Said I loved him too, that I'd been flirting with him... I was a fucking kid, how the fuck did that sick pe-..."

Gavin inhales sharply, biting down on the hurt already blistering its way up his chest. He takes a moment for his blood pressure to calm down before trying again. "He had this... _Sick_ fucking idea that I wanted it. He was always... Kissing and hugging and touching and saying nice shit to me, and then... I couldn't hear that shit anymore without feeling so paranoid and scared like I had to be on guard. It's why I can't deal with Connor... He's... He's just too fucking nice."

He can see Nines' posture droop beside him and Gavin knows his partner wants him to be all buddy-buddy with his twinky twin but...

"I'm sorry... It's not his fault, Nines, but I can't shake that feeling. Fucking alarm bells go off in my head and... Like, you, and Hank, and Tina, you all give me shit. I like that... If Connor can throw a bit of banter my way, maybe we'd get on better. And _yeah,_ both Hank and Connor have already grilled me on why have I got an issue with Connor, and I tried to explain without, you know... He knows what he's gotta do. It's not that hard to be a dick to me, nobody else has a problem."

"Hopefully, with time, you can both meet somewhere in the middle. Connor has his own struggles, ones it's not my place to share... But you both need time."

"Yeah..." Gavin's curious what's going on with Connor, but he doesn't ask, he knows better than that. _He doesn't want Nines to share any of his shit._ Gavin goes back to thinking what else there is to tell Nines, and there's only one thing left at this point that Gavin can think of.

"Uh, back to the trigger things... This one's probably the worst. I mean, I've worked it out with you a bit, but anyone else...? I..." Gavin shakes his head, lost for words, and tries again. "I can't be on anyone's lap... I mean, I'm kinda okay with you... But no one else, and there's no way I can _ever_ have sex like that... Ever. Not even with you."

Gavin closes his eyes, taking a moment to try and calm down before continuing his explanation. "Remember when I said I can't ride you on your lap if I'm facing away cause some guy pushed me off and now I get paranoid and shit, so I can't enjoy it? I lied... That's... that's how Dale had me on his lap that time and..."

He loses his words again, falling silent and Gavin struggles to get his thoughts in order for Nines to understand without allowing those moments back into his mind. Gavin tries to focus on just explaining what's okay, and what's not. 

"... So I can ride someone's lap facing them, doesn't matter. I just can't do it, like, chest to back... I just can't. Even just thinking about it makes me feel kinda queasy but... I can't. I just can't..."

His voice drops away again and he hears a pained groan from Nines, head in his hands. "I'm so sorry. I didn't... I wasn't aware that was the cause of your distress. My Love, if I'd known I never would've... The number of times I placed you in my lap. I'm truly sorry..."

Gavin shakes his head, eyebrows pulled together in worry. "Hey, no... Don't fucking be like that, dipshit, you didn't fucking know... It's okay..." He lets out a strained chuckle, chest still hurting and throat tight, but... "You know, it was a good thing, Nines... I _can_ sit in your lap... For me, like, repeated exposure? That ends up working for me sometimes if I got the shit to ground me, and-"

Nines looks up from his hands with a dismayed, guilty expression. He starts to open his mouth to speak and Gavin just _knows_ his partner is going to whine about how he'll never do it again and Gavin cuts in before he has a chance. 

"It's okay. You choking me helped so fucking much... Yeah, the first few times I was heading for a flashback but you started choking me out and it... It anchored me here, you know? I'd never been able to do that before. Nines, before you, sitting in someone's lap was like looking down the barrel of a goddamn gun... And now? I can sit in your lap, playing games and..."

Gavin stops himself from saying he can enjoy Nines fingering him... He knows what his partner's like... He'll only take the comparison badly.

"So don't stop doing it. It's okay, _with you,_ no one else... You're special." It's not the sort of thing he'd usually say, calling someone special, but Gavin hopes it'll help ease Nines' conscience. _Wasn't like he knew shit... and Gavin had wanted it that way._ "You got it? You didn't do anything wrong... You didn't know, and I didn't want you to know... And, it all turned out good in the end, yeah? So don't beat yourself up over it."

Nines still looks guilty, shoulders hanging low and eyebrows knitted in worry as he hums in agreement again... _And Gavin gets the feeling it's because Nines doesn't want to agree out loud._

His partner lifts his head and opens his mouth... Closes... Then it opens again before Nines asks. "Gavin... I don't want to ask... But I _need_ to know... A-... Are our rape scenes a reenactment?"

Gavin sighs hard, hating and knowing that question would come eventually and shakes his head, exhaustion creeping into his bones. "No, it's not. What we do... It's- It's _nothing_ like what I went through, Nines. It's completely fucking different."

"How is it different? I'm sorry, Love... I just struggle to understand why you would want me to roleplay raping you when you, yourself, were assaulted... I feel no better than that monster." Nines speaks carefully, no accusation in his tone and Gavin's ready to explain why he likes consensual non-consent until the end of Nines' sentence, and Gavin's heart squeezes painfully in his chest.

"Nines... No. You're nothing like that sick piece of shit. I _wanted_ you to do it, I _asked_ you to do it... Please, fuck, don't compare yourself to him. Ever. He was the worst thing to ever happen to me, and Nines? You're the fucking _best._ I've... Never been so happy... Shit, just more mentally stable than I've ever been since you, and I love it when we play... If you knew what he was like... You'd understand how fucking different it is... All you've ever done is make me happy."

He looks over at Nines, his partner's expression still conflicted but when they make eye contact, Nines pushes out a brief smile, brow still worried as he asks. "... Then help me understand. Can you explain how our scenes differ from your assault?"

Gavin rests his head against the headboard again and nods with a heavy sigh "Yeah... You know how I said he was always nice to me? It's _that_ I have a problem with... _That_ would make me lock up... But the way we do it? The fighting and taunting each other... It's fun and exciting. It's all... Primal and shit. Animalistic. I can feel the energy pumping through my veins and..." He looks up at the ceiling, hoping he can get through to Nines because it's so fucking important. 

"Nines, back then, I couldn't fight... I was terrified... I felt helpless. Being able to fight now? It's so fucking _freeing_ and... Empowering, to take something that used to, and still kinda does, scare me, and use it in a way that I enjoy... For _me._ I'm in control. Even when we're fighting and you're overpowering me... And Nines? I _love_ it when you overpower me... Even then, I know if I said blue, everything would stop. I completely trust you and know you'd stop the second I said it. I feel safe with you."

Gavin tucks his hands away in the bottom of his shirt, knuckles aching as he clenches his fists. "It's the soft shit that makes me flashback... All that roughness, the fighting, it's completely different.. Hell, the rougher you are, the more it grounds me. It's all this... Holding hands and hugs and shit I struggle with. You know what I'm like. I always gotta... Make a joke, or be a dick... But you've helped me so much with that too. I _never_ thought I'd be able to have a relationship like this. I thought I was too broken... But somehow you got the patience for my bullshit."

He gives Nines a heartfelt smile and his partner shares one back. "You're always worth the wait, my Love. I'm... Happy to know I may have helped you a little."

Gavin scoffs, shaking his head. "Fucking _little?_ You have _no_ idea the mess I've been for years. Holy shit. I've let so many guys fuck me, beat me, spit on me, worse... It's all this domestic shit I struggle with, but, I'm getting there... Because of you."

Nines nods slowly, his expression more thoughtful, even with his brow still tense. "I understand... But, you must also understand, it may take me a while before I feel able to roleplay any non-consensual scenarios with you... I need time."

Gavin nods, disappointed but not surprised. "I get it... It's heavy shit... but I promise, it doesn't make me anything but happy and feel good."

Nines forces out another little smile at him before something flickers across his face and Nines looks worried. "Gavin... Does my calling you _'Good boy'_ cause you distress? It didn't occur to me until just now."

Gavin shakes his head. "Nah, I like it when you say I'm a good boy. I see it more like a dog thing since I'm a bitch and whatever."

"You're certain?"

Gavin rolls his eyes, laying the sarcasm on thick. "No, I thought I'd lie to make myself suffer... Yeah, I'm fuckin' _certain._ "

Nines nods slowly, hands clasped in his lap and Gavin debates something in his head for a moment before hooking his arm through Nines', resting a cheek on his partner's shoulder. It doesn't relax Gavin, in fact, it makes his whole body go on high alert with the stress he's already dealing with, but Gavin squeezes Nines' arm to him. _He wants Nines to feel better._ "I've been as honest as I can, Nines... Believe me when I say it's fine, yeah?"

Nines hums in agreement again, head resting on top of Gavin's and he slowly relaxes, letting his eyes close for a moment. _Everything's okay with Nines..._ He still feels exhausted, even more than he did when he woke up, but it heals something in his soul to be close to his partner like this. 

They spend a moment in comfortable silence and Gavin makes no protest as Nines moves his leg over to rest against the outside of his own. Gavin almost feels like falling asleep until Nines speaks softly. "Love, you can talk to me about anything... I can't fathom how difficult it must've been for you all these years. I'm here if you need to talk, always."

"Thanks..." Gavin murmurs back, touched by his words and chest tight, but he doesn't want to face his childhood anymore. He's never confronted it for so long before. There's things he might want to talk about in the future, but for now, he wants to lock the door again and forget as best he can. 

He has one last check through for any triggers that spring to mind when Gavin stumbles over a completely different problem, one he should tell Nines about. Talking about Shane isn't anywhere near as emotionally suffocating as _him_ ... Shane was just an asshole. 

"There is one other trigger thing, nothing to do with back then, not even a flashback thing. It just kinda stresses me out."

Nines leans his head back up, turning to give Gavin his full attention with his partner's arm still tucked in the crook of Gavin's elbow. "Yes, Love?"

"Fucking ages back, I was with this guy, Shane. It... wasn't good. Wasn't healthy. Anyways, I used to have a-" Gavin laughs, a genuine awkward chuckle at sharing a better but slightly tainted piece of his past. "... I had a porn channel thing. Like, think amateur shit. Jerking off, mirror shots, dildos, bit a kink, bit of semi-public fun."

Nines chuckles with him, expression warm. "Why am I not surprised? Sounds very, _you,_ Love... But clearly this doesn't end well."

"Yeah..." Gavin sighs, more annoyed than anything. "I was all subbed out, like, _really_ spacey. You know when I'm seriously subbed out and I'll do anything? ...Shane did a live stream of me sucking his dick to all my followers and randos. Calling me names and humiliation shit. I'm going along with it cause my brain's fucked off into the stratosphere... He _knew_ I didn't want my face online, connecting me to my videos... Ever since then, I got a real problem with being recorded, especially if I don't know it's happening or if my face is in shot..."

"Oh..." Nines' eyes flick away and Gavin knows why. _Because even Nines' eyes are fucking cameras. He tries not to think about it most of the time, but every time he remembers, it makes ice flood his veins and his guts twists._ "I know in the past I've teased that I record everything I see, but I assure you, Gavin, it's under the highest security. Along with the fact, that as androids, we're very protective of our privacy, me and Connor are the best models out there, with the most scrupulous anti-hacking implements. So it would be near impossible for a human to get into any of our memories. Also, being a member of the police, we're equipped with even higher security protocols in case of hacker attacks."

Gavin holds back a shudder and tries to push the cold creeps away from his spine. "Yeah, I know... It's okay, just don't remind me in the future. I know it's there but I just... Make myself forget about it. But it pisses me off. Not you, Shane. I love exhibitionism. I love showing off and people watching me, but he really fucked over me being able to enjoy pictures of myself and being filmed. It makes me so fucking paranoid and scared now, it completely throws me out of the moment... Honestly, I wanna get over it and enjoy that shit again... I used to get such a kick out of it. Prick..."

"Well... Perhaps that's something I _can_ help with, Love. If you truly want to enjoy being photographed and filmed again, perhaps we can try gradual exposure therapy."

Gavin slowly smiles, cheeks a little warm and a gentle buzz of excitement washes through him. "Yeah... I think that could be good... I mean, I can do a little bit on camera if I trust someone won't share it, but it still freaks me out. I wanna actually be able enjoy it again... You know, I really got off on Hank taking that picture of me... The one he sent to you with the facial? I really wanna do something like that again. I know you, Hank and Connor won't share them or anything. I trust you guys."

Nines hums softly. "That was a very handsome photo... It might even be one of my favorites. I certainly wouldn't mind seeing more like it."

Gavin sighs, thinking back on the good times. "I used to love watching the view count go up and sometimes people would leave comments... I'm not gonna lie, I kinda enjoyed it when people would kink shame me for doing public shit and I'm like... You're throwing fucking fuel on the fire, man."

Gavin laughs to himself, cheeks warm at sharing some more fun memories with his partner, and Nines laughs quietly with him, arm hooked tightly around his. "Sounds like you were quite the trouble-maker, Detective. I do hope you weren't indecently exposing yourself to the masses."

Gavin puffs his cheeks out, then looks away with a purposefully guilty expression. "Pshhh, what? Me? Jerk off at a bus stop at two in the morning and blow my load up my shirt? Nahhh... Why would I do some creepy shit like that?"

Nines shakes his head with a huff of disbelief, holding back a grin. "Oh... Love... I think some of our friends would _greatly_ disapprove of you dragging the general public into your scene... Not to mention our _other_ friends who would disapprove of you flashing your genitals."

"Ahhh... You see. That's why I don't tell any of 'em..." Gavin taps the side of his nose with a smirk and Nines rolls his eyes. Gavin gives his partner a playful nudge with his elbow. "Whaaat? Like you wouldn't have some fun with me at the park if I wanted."

Nines side-eyes him, lips pursed in thought. "That depends... Whether I'd be extended the same courtesy of... _Deciteful_ secrecy?"

Gavin chuckles and gently bumps his head against Nines'. "Yeeeeah. We can have our dirty, little secrets."

Gavin's almost relaxed into his partner again, the strain of their conversation starting to move into the past... And then his phone pings. Gavin's back goes rigid and he remembers about his dad's text with a cold blanket of dread, sitting up and away from Nines to look across the room for his phone. 

He gets up and his heart's already picking up in panic and frustration again as he searches for wherever it landed when he threw it. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck... I didn't answer that prick last night... Shit."

He finds his phone and looks at the screen, another message from his sister glowing up at him. Gavin swipes his phone and thumbs in his passcode before reading. 

D: _Gavin? Please don't be mad with me... Msg me xx_

Gavin doesn't even touch the opened text from his father and sits back down on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped as he holds his head in his hand. "Fuck... I don't wanna deal with this shit. Past few days have been hell and I... I just want to go to sleep, and not wake up for a thousand years... Fuck."

He feels the mattress rock beneath him, a hand gently squeezing his shoulder before dropping away. "Love... I know it's difficult... And believe me, I still have a lot of anger towards your father... But if you answer him now, then you can be done with it. I hardly feel you owe him an answer in all honesty, but I think it would be better for you if you did."

Gavin groans, knowing Nines is right and forces himself to click his dad's message onto the screen, trying not to let himself read it again for the sake of his fucking sanity. He stares down at the screen, eyes unfocused, and he struggles between remembering what his father wrote so he can reply, and not wanting to remember a single fucking letter. 

"May I?" Nines' hand moves into his blurry field of vision, hovering near the screen and Gavin turns his hand, silently giving permission before Nines pulls his finger down the screen. It's not even a second before he moves his finger back up again. "Natalie is your mother?"

Gavin nods. "Yeah."

Nines lets his hand drop from the screen. "If you would like, I can construct a more... Formal, polite reply to your father... But I also feel a simple 'No' would be adequate..."

Gavin snorts with dark humor and shrugs his shoulders. _He doesn't want to waste one more ounce of energy on that prick than he has to._ "Fuck it, no works fine..."

He stabs the two letters in, thumb hovering above the send button and every second that passes has his anxiety gripping tighter at his chest. He hears distant, gentle encouragement from Nines, and Gavin holds his breath, forcing his thumb down before quickly clicking back over to Debbie's. 

He takes a deep breath, looking at Deb's messages and reminds himself that his sister just wants her family to be all happy and shit... Not her fault. She doesn't know the fucking mess that tore everything apart. He writes slowly, making himself not snap at Debbie for handing his number out. 

G: Not mad with u. Mad with dad. Tired. Gonna sleep more. ttyl xx

He doesn't have the energy to have a debate with his sister and hopes she both won't feel too bad, and please not fucking message him with more questions. He sighs hard and a reply comes through quickly. 

D: _Ok. Sorry. Sweet dreams xx_

Gavin smiles to himself for a second, then puts his phone screen down on the table. _Okay, he can check that off the list._ He's almost ready to relax when another fucking thought pops into his head and he mock sobs at the ground in frustration. _God damn it, how much shit does he have hiding away? Fucking Niles... Shit._

He looks over his shoulder at Nines and everything screams at him not to fucking open his mouth because this time it's his fault... He did a shitty thing and now he has to fess up. Gavin turns himself around, battling against the voice telling him to fix it without letting Nines know... _But he wants to be honest._

"Uh... Nines?"

His partner tilts his head a little. "Yes, Love?"

Gavin's posture slumps. "I... Kinda got a confession to make. I did a shitty thing..."

Nines blinks, eyebrows tugging together. "Yes?"

"I kinda... Uh, I wanted to tell Debbie about you a while back, but she doesn't like androids. So, I never told her you were one. I... I lied and said your name was Niles so if I fucked up and said Nines I'd have an excuse. I'm sorry. I didn't know how serious we were gonna get. I lied once and then it just... I didn't know how to tell her and I never did... I'm sorry."

Nines looks a little disappointed, but even that makes Gavin's heart squeeze with guilt. His partner sighs quietly. "I see... Your, um, your sister dislikes androids more than you did?"

Gavin winces. "...Yeah... A lot more. She's lost her job to androids more than once. Went into debt looking after the kids... She has a serious grudge. I'm sorry. B-But I'm gonna tell her, Nines, I promise. Not today, I'm... I'm gonna have a fucking breakdown if I do that shit today. I can't... In a couple days? I promise. I want her to meet you one day. See you're a good guy. She's supposed to be coming over for Christmas..."

Nines nods slowly, LED cycling yellow and uncharacteristically shoves his fingers through his hair before running his fingers over his face. He looks up and replies. "Okay... You're right. I'm going to be honest... I think I also lack the energy to tackle that subject today. Perhaps, we can put that aside until tomorrow or the day after. I know this must have taken a greater toll on yourself but... My mind is very busy and it's all a bit much, Love. I'm sorry."

Gavin shakes his head. "No, Nines... Don't be sorry. I've dumped a lot of heavy shit on you today... And yesterday... You got every right to be stressed the fuck out. I know I am."

Nines nods with a concerned expression. "Your stress levels are... Exceptionally high..."

 _No shit. He feels half detached from the world and half buzzing with anxiety._ "Yeah... I think I'm at that... Numb brain stage where I'm one more 'fuck to give' away from a complete and utter fucking mental breakdown..."

Gavin laughs nervously, knowing how true his words are and risks asking in vain hope. "Not up to flogging me, are you?"

"I think my own stress levels would suffer through that." Nines slowly shakes his head with an apologetic expression before adding. "As much as I don't usually condone certain, unhealthy habits... Maybe, your marijuana would help you relax.

Gavin snorts out a laugh, surprised by Nines' suggestion, but teases with a tired smile. "My marijuana cigarettes? You sound like such a fucking cop..."

"I am a cop." 

Gavin slides out of the bed, ready to act on Nines' suggestion and raises a playful eyebrow to his partner. "Yeah, but there's a difference between sounding like a cop and being one... You _sound_ like one. Just say weed."

"Weed." Nines snorts quietly, but his LED still glowing yellow. _Gavin knows the feeling._

Gavin laughs once more before the anxiety crawls up his spine again and he starts toward the living room. "Yeah, I need a joint. I'm gonna roll one... Gonna watch some vines with me?"

"That's not even a question, my Love."

"Alright, I'll be back in a minute. Gonna go roll my marijuana cigarette." Gavin snickers a little as he digs out his paraphernalia, eyeing up his bong before shaking his head. _He wants to slob out across the bed. A joint's easier._

He packs a little extra bud in than usual, planning on drifting off to sleep in a couple of hours and he's already lighting it on his way to the bedroom, drink bottle and ashtray in hand, with a blanket over his shoulders. He climbs back into the bed, settling down next to his partner and looks forward to becoming a happy, melty puddle. 

Gavin takes a long drag, holding in his breath until he exhales only a faint trail of grey smoke. He waits for the slow, heavy buzz to start working its way through his limbs, knowing he'll be able to relax soon. 

He flicks his joint over the ashtray before looking over the end, blowing across the embers, watching them glow. He takes another drag while Nines gives a disapproving glance towards his smoke and Gavin rolls his eyes, wondering if explaining to Nines he's had bigger problems with other shit might help him understand this isn't so bad. 

Gavin licks his lips, reaching for his drink and takes a swig before looking over at his partner. "Nines... I know you don't like me smoking this, but, this is nothing. I've done... All sorts of shit over the years. I used to have a real problem with coke..."

Nines' eyebrows shoot up and Gavin's quick to specify. "Hey! Hey, _used to._ I haven't touched that shit in, like, thirteen years... I never fucking will... I'm just saying. I did blow for years and that was... Every day. Doing real stupid, selfish shit to get money for it. Needed it to wake up, sleep, just fucking _function._ Point I wanted to make is, I have a few joints on the weekend, Nines. Small fish compared the shit I done back then. This isn't even illegal... Just, don't fucking give me that judgy look when I have a smoke."

Nines gently taps the back of Gavin's tablet against his knee, a weird surprised, yet not surprised, expression on his face. "Well, I'm glad you no longer need to rely on cocaine to function... But who knows what permanent damage that toxic substance has done to your body."

Gavin leans his head back with a groan, eyelids starting to hood over his vision as he snarkily replies. "Okay, let me go back and not take it... Oh, wait. I can't. I'm just saying, a few joints, on my days off, is not the end of the world, Nines... If you could get high, I'd make your ass smoke one of these so you'd chill the fuck out."

Nines narrows his eyes at the sarcastic remark but scoffs softly by the end of Gavin's sentence, then shuffles back to sit in front of him, legs crossed. "Gavin, what concerns me is the frequency of your use, coupled with the long-term use... You have high levels of anxiety, and frequent, abusive use of cannabis can lead to heightened anxiety and paranoia over time."

Gavin sighs, sucking on his teeth at Nines lecturing him about weed while he's getting high... _But yeah, can't deny the shit gets him paranoid sometimes... Still, he can't help but see Nines as the kind of person to make a 'this is your brain on drugs' advert._ He snorts a laugh at the thought and Nines glares, probably thinking he's laughing at what Nines said. 

Gavin slaps a hand down on Nines' knee. "Lighten the fuck up. Get that bottle of blue shit and get drunk with me. You're too tense. We've been through some bullshit, we deserve to not give a fuck for a while."

Nines hesitates, brow furrowed before rolling his eyes with a surrendering, slow nod. "... Actually, I agree with your sentiment. Fuck it, I think I will have a drink."

"Yeees. You know what that shit is? That's self- _care."_ Gavin cackles to himself and keeps patting his hand down on Nines' leg until his partner's out of reach, disappearing past the bedroom door. He smiles and reaches back for his joint, head finally light and everything against his skin feels so comfortable and soft. 

He fills his lungs with smoke again before huffing it out and shakes his head with a lazy smile. "I was talking about this shit with Hank when we went to Glaz'its after Connor's party... Basically told my boss I used to snort blow and now I'm telling _you?_ Shiiit. What the fuck... Is that what love does? Makes you spill your fucking guts out?"

Nines reappears around the edge of their doorway, a half-full bottle of android booze in hand and a _very_ interested look on his face. "Does that mean you love Hank?"

Gavin's brain blanks out, cheeks feeling a little too warm and he scoffs at Nines. "What? That's stupid."

"I don't think it is... I see your relationship with our Lieutenant has improved greatly since we extended our relationship to them."

 _He's already too high to think about this shit. And afterward, he'll be too fucking sober... He knows things have changed and he feels different but he doesn't want to look too deep into it yet._ Gavin shrugs his shoulders up, rolling the end of his joint across the ashtray base. "What? Shared all my shit, now I'm not allowed any secrets anymore?"

Nines smiles warmly, a soft chuckle in his throat as he opens his bottle. "You certainly are... However, if the answer's a secret, it's a little obvious as to what that answer is, Love."

Gavin leaves his joint in the ashtray and lays across the bed, absent-mindedly rubbing his arms across the texture of their duvet. "He's... An easy guy to hang with... Lemme have my fuckin' secrets."

He watches Nines take a few heavy swigs of his booze before swiping his thumb over the corner of his lip, sucking a trickle of thirium off of his thumb. His partner lets out a contented sigh before laying the bottle next to him, cheeks already flushing as he smiles. "It makes me very happy to know you enjoy your time with Hank... And you know I love Connor, very much."

Gavin snorts. "Yeah, no shit. One day you're gonna make out and fucking merge like a big, gay transformer."

Nines barks a soft laugh at that and shakes his head, already picking his drink back up. "Highly doubtful, Love."

Gavin pouts, reaching a leg out to halfheartedly kick Nines with the top of his foot. "You love me more though, yeah?"

Nines catches his ankle and gives it a light squeeze. "Undoubtedly, Love... Infinitely more so."

Gavin grins to himself and plants a foot against Nines' knee, pushing him back. "Good... I can be a jealous bitch. Gotta make sure Connor don't snatch my throne up."

"Your throne is untouchable." Nines chuckles, taking a third, long swig of blue liquid before laying down on his stomach next to Gavin and murmurs softly. "I love you, so very, very much..."

Gavin smiles, chest warm until he remembers what he told Nines last night. "I love you too... And Nines? I really didn't mean that shit yesterday. About you not being a person? I didn't mean it... I just.. I wanted to hurt you, so you'd leave, so I wouldn't have to talk about it. I'm a fucking asshole... I think you're fucking amazing, and perfect, and I totally don't deserve to have a guy like you, love me. I feel real fucking lucky."

Gavin lazily reaches for Nines' hand, threading through his fingers before giving it a squeeze and his partner smiles. "Thank you..."

Gavin slips his hand free before shuffling his body forwards until he can put an arm around his partner instead. "No more sad shit now, yeah? Let's just... Be lazy. Smoke. Drink... Cuddle."

Gavin rolls his eyes a little at the last suggestion, unable to fully push away that part of himself that needs to make a joke of the affection. Gavin sighs and makes a promise to his boyfriend. "I'm gonna try harder... With all this... Lovey-dovey bullshit... It'll take a while, but I'll get there. We'll have to go on a date sometime, like, a _proper_ date... BUT, for _now,_ I am going to lay here, get high and order some take out. I know you could cook but, I just wanna eat some grease."

Nines huffs softly in amusement. "Would you believe me if I said I don't actually feel like cooking today? You have my permission for... Filthy, unhealthy, artery-clogging, nutrient deficient-"

Gavin gently swats his hand at Nines' arm with a laugh. "Yeah, yeah, yeah... I got it. Reaper food."

Nines chuckles, pulling him a little closer and brushes his fingers through Gavin's hair, nails grazing across his scalp. Gavin feels a warm shiver spread across his skin at the touch, eyelids flickering closed. _Fuck, it feels nice..._ Nines hums in thought. "Your hair is getting unruly, Love."

Gavin keeps his eyes closed, zoned in on Nines' fingers as he mumbles. "Yeah... Gotta get it set with that nano shit again or it goes wherever."

"Well, I'll make a note for you to book an appointment in that case... Can't have my boyfriend looking disheveled."

Gavin snorts and playfully bats Nines' hand away with a smile. "Fuck off. I'll wear a fucking garbage bag to work and hang off your arm all day."

"You will _not._ " Nines chuckles, reaching for the glass bottle before taking a sip. "Any thoughts on what you would like to eat? I can place an order for you."

Gavin shuffles himself back over to his joint, relighting it between his lips. He hasn't eaten since he got up and it's boosting the onset of his munchies. "Yeah, thanks... Uh, somewhere that'll do, like... Cheeseburger, fries, onion rings and mozzarella sticks. Oh, and dips. Something spicy and some ranch."

Nines' LED flickers and Gavin knows it'll take his partner longer than usual now he's had a drink. He shuffles his way down into the bed again, reaching for his joint while he waits for Nines to finish ordering. _He hopes it doesn't take forever for his food to get there and his mozzarella sticks better still be fucking melty when they arrive._ He watches Nines and works away on his joint, holding in the last breath in before laying across their bed.

Gavin smiles, eyelids heavy as Nines flops down next to him, tablet in hand and waves it in his face. "So, how about we watch some fails?"

He exhales. "Not vines, huh?"

Nines nods, LED cycling as he syncs with Gavin's tablet, screen jumping to a video compilation. "For now. I want to watch some humans being their usual, adorably idiotic selves."

"Yeah, we're good at that." Gavin places his joint back on the tray and wriggles his way next to Nines, resting his head on his shoulder. He smiles, eyes closed until Nines' hand curves across his thigh, gently resting above his scarred nine. 

"Is this okay?"

It makes his chest heavy and warm, brain fizzling out into a cozy haze and Gavin nods slowly, relaxed. "Mhmm."

He can feel Nines' thumb brushing through the fabric of his sweatpants... Slow. Soothing... _He feels owned and protected._ Between the weed, the exhaustion, and the feeling of belonging to Nines, Gavin relaxes, mind drifting happily as he mumbles out of habit. "Yours..."

"Mine." He feels a kiss pressed to his hair before the typical peppy music plays, mixed in with shouts and thumps of people royally fucking up. Gavin snorts a laugh every few videos, eyes open just enough to watch the video with his partner, and Nines shakes beside him every time he laughs. 

Gavin spares a glance around their bedroom, eyes drifting up to his partner, cheeks flushed a pretty blue and face lighting up as the vines work their way up Nines' playlist. Gavin gazes at him for a little while, struggling to grasp how the shitstorm of yesterday could have made today end like this... _He's happy... Nines is still with him... They're okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for kudos and comments, it means the world to me <3
> 
> (More installments to come, I'm just a slow bean to write these days)


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